I bought some birdseed from Amazon, and the very next day they emailed asking for my feed back. Not cool.
Topic: animals
Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
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Signing My Dogs Up for Welfare
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn, this is a great country.
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Meals on Wheels
A cat passed away after a long, happy life on a farm.
When she arrived at Heaven’s gates, God welcomed her and said, “You were a good cat. Anything you want — just ask.”
The cat thought for a moment and said, “Well… I always slept on cold, hard floors. I would love a big, soft pillow.”
“Say no more,” God replied.
POOF! The cat now had the fluffiest pillow she had ever seen.
A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic accident and arrived at Heaven together.
God met them at the gates and asked what they would like.
The mice said, “All our lives we had to run from cats, dogs — even broomsticks! If we could have little roller skates, we’d never have to run again!”
God smiled…
POOF! Six happy mice skating around Heaven in style.
About a week later, God stopped by to check on the cat. She was curled up on her pillow, sleeping like royalty.
“Hello, my child,” God said softly. “How are you enjoying Heaven?”
The cat stretched, purred, and said, “Oh, it’s wonderful! The pillow is perfect… and those little ‘Meals on Wheels’ you keep sending over are delicious!”
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Got Any Grapes
One day, a duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the counter, hops onto a stool, and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender is surprised and says, “No, buddy. This is a bar. We only serve beer, whiskey, and peanuts here. No grapes.” The duck says, “Okay,” hops down, and leaves.
The next day at the same time, the duck comes back into the bar. He hops onto the stool and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender gets a bit annoyed this time. “Look, little guy, I told you yesterday. We don’t have grapes! If you come back here asking for grapes again, I won’t let you in.” The duck says, “Okay,” and leaves.
The third day, the duck appears at the door again. He approaches the counter, looks the bartender in the eye, and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender completely loses his temper. He slams his fist on the counter and yells, “That’s it! If you ask me for grapes one more time, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to this counter!”
The duck stares at the bartender for a few seconds, then quietly turns around and leaves.
The fourth day… the duck walks in once again. He calmly gets up on the stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender takes a deep breath, confused, and says, “No, I don’t have any nails…”
The duck smiles and says, “Great! Got any grapes?”
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A Ham-Brrr-Grrr
What do you call a pig that is cold and growling?
A Ham-Brrr-Grrr.
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Consumed by His Own Pride
Did you hear about the arrogant lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride.
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Before the Crowbar Was Invented
True fact:
Before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
