Did you hear about the arrogant lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride.
Topic: animals
Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
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Before the Crowbar Was Invented
True fact:
Before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home. -
Pipe Down or You’ll Get Us Both Fired
A gorilla at the zoo dies of old age just before opening time. He was the star attraction — the one animal everybody came to see.
The zoo can’t afford a new gorilla right away, so the owner makes a quiet offer to one of the workers: “We’ve got an old gorilla costume in storage. If you put it on and act like the gorilla for a while, I’ll pay you an extra $100 a day.”
The worker agrees, puts on the suit, and goes into the enclosure. To his surprise, the visitors love him. He pounds his chest, swings around, and soon crowds are showing up just to see this “amazingly life-like” gorilla.
After a month, though, the excitement starts to die down. So he decides to put on a little stunt. He climbs to the top of the enclosure, swings over into the neighboring lion habitat… and hangs from the safety net above it!
A huge crowd gathers — gasping and pointing.
Then — his hands slip. He falls right into the lions’ den.
Panicking, he starts yelling, “HELP! Somebody help me! I’m not really a gorilla!”
Suddenly, a massive lion leaps onto him, pinning him to the ground.
The lion leans in close and whispers, “Pipe down, buddy… or you’ll get us both fired.”
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Little Johnny Sells Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning, all excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something and then give a short talk about their sales strategy.
Little Sally went first. “I sold Girl Scout cookies,” she said proudly. “I made $30. My approach was to appeal to people’s kindness!”
“Excellent,” said the teacher.
Little Mary went next. “I sold magazines. I made $45. I told people that magazines help them keep up with the news.”
“Very good, Mary,” said the teacher.
Finally, it was Little Johnny’s turn. He walked to the front, dumped a shoebox full of cash on the teacher’s desk, and said, “$2,467.”
The teacher nearly fainted. “$2,467?! Johnny, what on earth were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” Johnny replied.
“Toothbrushes?! How could you sell that many?”
Johnny grinned. “Well, I went to the busiest corner in town and set up a table with a sign that said ‘Free Sample.’ I handed everyone a chip dipped in a little brown mixture. Every single person said the same thing: ‘Eww! That tastes like dog food!’”
“Then I said, ‘It sure does!… Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’”
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Read My Lips — POSSE
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, “You’re going to die. But we’re sorry for you, so we’ll give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown on the third day, you die. What first wish?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back.
The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man… only thinks one thing.”
The second day, the chief says, “What wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man going to die tomorrow… can only think one thing.”
The last day comes, and the chief says, “This last wish, white man. What want?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips, you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”
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O’Brien’s Dog Was a Catholic
O’Brien lived alone in the Irish countryside for many years, with just his dog for company.
One day, the dog died, and O’Brien went to see Father Mullaney, the parish priest.
“Father, me darlin’ pup has passed on. I was wonderin’, could ya be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”
“Ah, I’m afraid not, we can’t be havin’ services for an animal in the church. But there’s a few Baptists down the road and there’s no tellin’ what they’re believin’ in. Maybe they’ll do somethin’ for the poor creature.”
“I’ll be headin’ off straight away, Father. Do ye think five grand would be enough to donate for the service?”
“Sweet Mary, mother o’ Jesus! Why didn’t ye tell me the dog was a bleedin’ Catholic?”
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No Word Yet
My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out.
No word yet…
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The Hamster and the Singing Frog
A mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”
The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”
“Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
“Money or another miracle, else no drink,” says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch — a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”
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Feeling a Little Down
I was in a good mood till I started petting a duckling in the park.
Then I started feeling a little down.
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Hair Remover for the Schnauzer
A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having a tremendous dog, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after one show and asked why her dog never won.
“Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have a great dog, but it’s not winning because of the hair between its toes.”
Upset, the lady said, “But I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!?”
“Well,” the judge said, “go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dog’s toes. You’ll be able to pull the hair right out and you’ll win best in show, I guarantee it!”
So the lady rushed to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every aisle but couldn’t find it. The pharmacist saw her searching and asked if he could help.
“I’m looking for liquid hair remover, and I can’t find it,” she said.
The pharmacist said, “It’s on aisle ten. I’ll show you.”
He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, “Now, after you use this, you can’t wear panty hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin.”
The lady said, “Oh, it’s not for my legs, it’s for my schnauzer.”
And the pharmacist said, “Well in that case, don’t ride a bicycle for at least a week.”
