Topic: animals

Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.

  • Sherlock Bones: Mystery-Solving Pup!

  • Turpentine: A Horse’s Diarrhea Cure?

    A young farmer is having trouble with one of his horses, which is suffering from diarrhea. He doesn’t know what to do, so he seeks advice from the old farmer down the road.

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    “Farmer John, surely you’ve seen this problem before. What should I do with a horse with diarrhea?” he asks.

    Farmer John smiles and says, “Well, a few years back one of my horses had that problem, and I gave him a drink of turpentine.”

    Relieved to have an answer, the young farmer runs home and administers the same treatment to his horse.

    Sadly, the next morning his horse is dead. He runs back over to Farmer John’s place.

    “John, I gave my horse turpentine, but he died!” the young farmer says.

    Farmer John nods thoughtfully and says, “Aye… mine did too.”

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  • Polar Bear Identity Crisis!

    One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?”

    “Of course, son” replied the father. “you are 100 percent polar bear”

    A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”

    The father put a loving paw on the son’s head. “Son,” he said “I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear.”

    The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?”

    By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?”

    The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!!!”

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  • Well the One I Fucked Did

    Well the One I Fucked Did

  • Sharks and Clowns: A Tasty Mystery!

    You know why sharks don’t eat clowns?
    They taste funny.

  • Two hunters

    Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed.

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    The other grabbed his phone, called emergency services, and yelled, “Help! We were out hunting, and I think my buddy’s dead! What do I do?!”

    The operator said calmly, “All right, sir. First, make sure he’s dead.”

    There was a pause… then two gunshots.

    The hunter came back on the line and said, “Okay — now what?”

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  • Locating Legless Horses: A Clever Joke

    Where can you find a horse with no legs?
    Wherever you left it.

  • Rude Parrot

    A woman was walking past a pet store when she noticed a parrot perched outside on a T-stand. As she went by, the parrot squawked, “You’re ugly!”

    Mortified, the woman walked on, hoping it was a one-time thing. But the next day, it happened again — and the day after that too. Finally, she stormed into the shop and complained to the owner.

    Furious, the owner scolded the parrot. “If you ever insult that woman again,” he warned, “you’ll regret it.”

    The next day, the woman walked by once more. The parrot stared at her silently for a moment… then leaned forward and said, “Hey lady!!! You know…”

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  • Seagulls or Bagels? A Silly Dilemma!

    Why won’t seagulls fly over the bay?
    Because then they’d be bagels.

  • Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!

    A woman had a male parrot for a pet, but he always embarrassed her whenever she brought a man home. As soon as she walked in with someone, the parrot would squawk, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

    Finally, in desperation, the woman went to her local pet shop and asked the owner for advice.

    “You need a female parrot to keep him company,” said the proprietor. “I can order one for you. In the meantime, you can borrow this female owl until she arrives.”

    The woman took the owl home and placed it near her parrot. The parrot just stared at the owl in silence.

    That night, she brought a gentleman friend back to her apartment. As soon as they walked in, the parrot screeched, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

    The owl blinked and asked, “Who? Who?”

    And the parrot shouted, “Not you, you big-eyed bitch!”

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