Topic: animals

Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.

  • Eats Shoots and Leaves

    A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”

    Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.

    She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.

    The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.

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  • I Have a Dead Pussy

    An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”

    The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”

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  • Chinese Neighbours Waffles Cat

    Chinese Neighbours Waffles Cat

  • Asleep Eat Spiders

    Asleep Eat Spiders

  • But Then There Wouldnt Be a Siren

    A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog’s privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly.

    A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, “You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck.”

    The boy nodded in agreement and said, “But then there wouldn’t be a siren.”

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  • Where the Hell Is That Monkey

    A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before…”

    So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”

    The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can.”

    Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.”

    So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realizes what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

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  • Little Hoarse

    Little Hoarse

    i’m not sick

    i’m just a little hoarse

    SO MUCH PUN.COM

  • Going Deaf Hard To Hear

    Going Deaf Hard To Hear

    BEING TOLD I WAS GOING DEAF WAS VERY DIFFICULT TO HEAR

  • Eat Her Pussy Cat

    Eat Her Pussy Cat

    When your girlfriend invites you over to “eat her pussy” but then she starts stripping her clothes off instead of cooking her cat

    *cries in ching chong*

  • Nose Be 12 Inches

    Nose Be 12 Inches

    WHY CAN’T A NOSE BE 12 INCHES?

    BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT.