Topic: animals

Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.

  • The Donkey With a Low IQ

    Did you hear the one about the donkey with a low IQ? Nevermind, it’s a stupid-ass joke.

  • Secret Gopher Colony Had a Mole

    Did you hear a secret colony of gophers was discovered recently?
    They say there was a mole among them.

  • I Fucking Loved That Cat

    I Fucking Loved That Cat

    My Chinese neighbours had waffles for breakfast.

    Bastards I fucking loved that cat.

  • Injured playing peekaboo

    Last week, I was injured pretty badly playing a game of peekaboo. They had to put me in the ICU.

  • A friend named his dog 5 miles

    A friend of mine named his dog “5 miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles.

    But today he ran over 5 miles.

  • The Seeing-Eye Chihuahua

    A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

    The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.”

    The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.

    The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

    The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.”

    The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”

    The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

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  • Sick Duck

    Sick Duck

    What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One’s a sick duck and I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore.

  • Your Mom and This Chicken

    Your Mom and This Chicken

    What’s the difference between your mom and this chicken? Your mom is a whore.

  • Books on Turtles

    [Walks into bookstore]

    Me: Do you have any books on turtles?

    Worker: Hard back?

    Me: Yeah, with little heads.

  • Good Buoy

    I took my dog to the lake today and noticed he floats very well.

    He’s a very good buoy.