Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender: Hey.
Horse: Sure.
Topic: animals
Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
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A Blonde and Her BMW
A blonde pulls her BMW into the parking lot of a mechanic’s shop because it was making some racket.
The mechanic pops open the hood and tinkers around a bit.
Blonde: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”
Mechanic: “Ah, just crap in the engine.”
Blonde: “How often do I have to do that?”
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Her Mum Died Too
A blonde goes to work in tears.
Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”
She says, “My mum died.” He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?” She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mum died, too!”
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Johnny’s Inventory
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
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Daddy Longlegs in Texas
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly, she stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over and saw she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.
“So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then picked up one foot and stomped them flat.
“Well,” she said, “that might be okay in California and Massachusetts, but we’re not having any of that crap here in Texas!”
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The Blonde and the Insemination Man
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, as he heads out to check on the cows, the rancher says:
“The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows. I drove a nail into the 2×4 above the stall of the cow I want bred. Please show him where she is when he gets here.”
The rancher leaves for the fields.
A while later, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the door.
“I’m here to inseminate the cow,” he says.
Amy leads him down to the barn and walks along the row of cows. When she sees the nail, she says, “This is the one right here.”
The man smirks, assuming he’s dealing with a clueless blonde.
“Tell me,” he says, “how do you know that’s the right cow?”
“That’s simple,” she replies. “By the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man asks, “And what exactly is the nail for?”
Amy turns to leave and says over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
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The Little Old Lady and the Two Garbage Bags
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every so often a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
A policeman notices and stops her.
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”
“Oh really? Darn,” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and pick them up. Thanks for telling me.”
“Hold on a second,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh no,” she says. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, fans come and… relieve themselves through the fence into my flower garden.”
“So I stand behind the fence with hedge clippers. Each time someone does it, I say: $20, or off it comes.”
The cop laughs. “Well, that seems fair enough. Good luck, ma’am. By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know,” says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”
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Blossom and Piggy in Dublin
A priest was walking the streets of Dublin and came upon a little girl walking her dog. The little girl came up to the priest and smiled, so the priest inquired as to her name.
“Blossom,” said the little girl.
“Oh Jaysus, what a pretty name. How’d you come to be named that, dear?”
The little girl replied, “When my mother was pregnant with me she was walking through a park and a single flower blossom was carried by the wind and landed directly at her feet.”
“Oh, what a sweet story,” the priest beamed. “And what might be the name of your dog?”
“Piggy,” said the girl.
“And why was he named that?” asked the priest.
And the little girl says, “Because he fucks pigs.”
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The Coldest Cabin in Alaska
Three guys living way up in the far north of Alaska were sitting in their local bar on a brutally cold winter night. They started arguing about whose cabin was the coldest.
“It’s freezing in mine,” said the first guy.
“You think that’s cold? Mine’s worse,” said the second.
“Nope,” said the third guy, “my place is the coldest in the whole state.”
To settle it, they decided to check each cabin.
They went to the first guy’s cabin. He said, “Watch this,” and tossed a cup of water into the air. It froze solid before it hit the ground.
“Pretty cold,” the others admitted.
“But mine’s still colder.”
Next, they went to the second cabin. He took a deep breath and exhaled. His breath froze into a little chunk and fell to the floor.
“Okay… that’s colder,” the first guy said.
But the third guy still claimed victory.
Finally, they reached the third guy’s cabin.
“Alright,” he said, “watch this.”
He went into the bedroom, pulled back the blankets, and took out a little frozen ball of ice. He set it on a spoon, held a match under it, and warmed it gently.
As soon as it thawed just enough, it went, “FFFAAAARRRRTTT!”
He won.
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Checking In at the Reception Desk in Hell
A man is checking in at the reception desk in Hell.
“Welcome!” says the Devil. “You’re in for an amazing time! First up, did you like a drink when you were on Earth?”
“I certainly did!” says the man.
“Great!” says the Devil. “We kick off the week on Monday with a gigantic piss-up. Beer, whisky, rum, brandy, gin, tequila, you name it, we’ve got it! You can’t get a hangover, and you certainly can’t kill your liver. You’re already dead!”
“Fantastic!” says the man. “What about Tuesday?”
“Tuesday? Just wait until you get to Tuesday! Do you like women?”
“I sure do,” says the man.
“Then Tuesday’s going to be great too! You’ll be at it all day long with the most amazing women you ever saw. They’re into all kinds of everything you can imagine, no matter how kinky. And you can’t catch any STIs either, not even herpes never mind syphilis! You’re already dead!”
“Then it’s Wednesday,” continues the Devil. “Ever do drugs on Earth? No? Want to give it a go? We’ve got all kinds of substances down here, and you can do them all. You’ll never OD or rot your brain. How could you? You’re already dead!”
“Great!” says the man. “And Thursdays?”
“Thursdays,” says the Devil, “is when we roll out the tobacco. Bit of a chill day after all the partying. Cigars, cigarettes, cheroots, you name it. Every kind of leaf that the Earth ever had, and you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it. And you can’t get lung cancer or even a nasty cough! You’re already dead!”
“Now, Fridays,” says the Devil. “Were you into that gay stuff on Earth? A bit of back-door action just to change it up? Maybe gobble on a big thick rod or two?”
“Oh no,” says the man, “I never liked the sound of that at all.”
The Devil sighs. “Oh well. I guess Fridays aren’t going to be much fun for you, then.”
