Topic: animals

15. When you come home after a long day at the office, you’re expected to bark enthusiastically and jump all over Fido.

14. You’ve filled the little treasure chest at the bottom of the aquarium with real doubloons.

13. Chippy’s hamster wheel has a speedometer, odometer, and calorie burn calculator, and you provide a personal trainer, Gatorade, and a towel.

12. Buddy really likes fresh bones, and you weren’t really using that left femur anyway.

11. Good luck convincing the judge that you really hired that undercover-cop hooker for your dog to have a sexier leg to hump.

10. You’re spending thousands treating your ferret for pancreatic cancer while grandma rots away in a cheap nursing home.

9. The cost of your Viagra prescription is exceeded by the cost of your rabbit’s Viagra prescription.

8. Maid services have no problem cleaning litterboxes, but when it comes to licking Sir Purrsalot’s junk to spare him the indignity, suddenly they’re all so regal!

7. You have your tarantula waxed when it’s hot out.

6. Since Rover knows how to dance on her hind legs anyway, why waste money taking a girl to the prom?

5. Not only did Fluffy refuse to eat the non-Beluga caviar, her lawyer sued you for serving such vile swill.

4. Your parrot is the largest shareholder in Nabisco.

3. The folks at the animal shelter stopped letting you adopt five cats every week when they learned about your pet coyote.

2. You’ve already bought the tickets, now you just have to figure out how to get the tank into the premiere of “Finding Dory.”

1. You buy a chinchilla coat. For your chinchilla.