Called my boss this morning, asked him if I could come in late today because I’m super tired. He said, “Keep dreaming buddy.”
Which was super nice and unexpected of him.
Topic: business
Business jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Haven’t Heard From Him Since
Another friend recently quit his job to pursue a career to be a mime.
I haven’t heard from him since.
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Catch a Falling Star and Blackmail It
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you’ll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.
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His Career Is Now in Ruins
I have a friend who quit his job to pursue his dream in archaeology.
His career is now in ruins.
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The New CEO and the Delivery Guy
A new CEO decides it’s time to get rid of the slackers.
During a tour of the office, he notices a guy leaning against the wall while everyone else is working.
Seeing a chance to show he means business, he walks over and asks, “How much do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man replies, “About $400. Why?”
The CEO says, “Wait right here.”
He goes back to his office, returns a few minutes later, hands the guy $1,600 in cash, and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out, and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty proud of himself, the CEO turns to the employees and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did around here?”
A voice from the back says, “He was the DoorDash delivery guy.”
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The Beer CEOs at the Bar
Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The other three look at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The CEO of Guinness says, “Well, I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer, it would be rude if I did.”
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Dave’s Haircut and the Pope
Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?’”
