Topic: business

Business jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • Practicing Law Somewhere

    A tough lawyer is cross-examining a medical expert in court: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

    “No.”

    “Did you check for blood pressure?”

    “No.”

    “Did you check for breathing?”

    “No.”

    “So, then it is possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?”

    “No.”

    “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

    “Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.”

    “I see… But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?”

    “Yes, I suppose it’s possible that he was alive and practicing law somewhere.”

  • Hand Over Your Wallet or I’ll Jump

    A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he’s being watched by a midget.

    The midget drags a small stepladder over and climbs up to admire the man’s private parts close up.

    “Wow,” comments the midget, “those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”

    Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

    “I know this is a strange request,” says the little guy, “but would you mind if I touched them?”

    Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents.

    The midget gets a tight grip on the man’s balls and says loudly, “Okay, hand over your wallet or I’ll jump.”

  • Only 40,000 Miles Now

    A woman wanted to sell her car but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked how many miles were on the car.

    “235,000,” she said.

    Her friend told her that was the problem but said her brother was a mechanic who could roll the mileage back to whatever she wanted.

    So the woman went to the mechanic and told him to set it to 40,000.

    Two days later, her friend asked if she had sold the car now that the mileage had been lowered.

    The woman replied, “Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it now!”

  • Not a Single Piece of Straight Wood

    Happy Pride Month to Home Depot!

    There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.

  • Keep Dreaming Buddy

    Called my boss this morning, asked him if I could come in late today because I’m super tired. He said, “Keep dreaming buddy.”

    Which was super nice and unexpected of him.

  • Haven’t Heard From Him Since

    Another friend recently quit his job to pursue a career to be a mime.

    I haven’t heard from him since.

  • Catch a Falling Star and Blackmail It

    Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you’ll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.

  • The Millionaire’s Confession

    A millionaire goes to church to confess.

    The priest asks, “What is your sin, my son?”

    “Father, I am too greedy.”

    “Greed is a grave sin. Here’s what you must do: when you leave the church, give $100 to the first person you see.”

    “What?! $100 to a stranger?”

    “My son, you must do it if you wish to set yourself on the path to righteousness and redemption.”

    The millionaire agrees and leaves the church.

    At first, there’s no one around. Then he walks a bit further and spots a young woman… high heels, short skirt, heavy makeup.

    He approaches her, hands her $100 and says, “Here, take this.”

    She looks at it and says, “No, that’s not enough. I need $300.”

    “$300?! The priest told me I only had to give $100!”

    “Well that’s because the priest is a regular customer…”

  • His Career Is Now in Ruins

    I have a friend who quit his job to pursue his dream in archaeology.

    His career is now in ruins.

  • The New CEO and the Delivery Guy

    A new CEO decides it’s time to get rid of the slackers.

    During a tour of the office, he notices a guy leaning against the wall while everyone else is working.

    Seeing a chance to show he means business, he walks over and asks, “How much do you make a week?”

    A little surprised, the young man replies, “About $400. Why?”

    The CEO says, “Wait right here.”

    He goes back to his office, returns a few minutes later, hands the guy $1,600 in cash, and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out, and don’t come back!”

    Feeling pretty proud of himself, the CEO turns to the employees and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did around here?”

    A voice from the back says, “He was the DoorDash delivery guy.”