Called my boss this morning, asked him if I could come in late today because I’m super tired. He said, “Keep dreaming buddy.”
Which was super nice and unexpected of him.
Topic: business
Business jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
-
Haven’t Heard From Him Since
Another friend recently quit his job to pursue a career to be a mime.
I haven’t heard from him since.
-
Catch a Falling Star and Blackmail It
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you’ll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.
-
The Millionaire’s Confession
A millionaire goes to church to confess.
The priest asks, “What is your sin, my son?”
“Father, I am too greedy.”
“Greed is a grave sin. Here’s what you must do: when you leave the church, give $100 to the first person you see.”
“What?! $100 to a stranger?”
“My son, you must do it if you wish to set yourself on the path to righteousness and redemption.”
The millionaire agrees and leaves the church.
At first, there’s no one around. Then he walks a bit further and spots a young woman… high heels, short skirt, heavy makeup.
He approaches her, hands her $100 and says, “Here, take this.”
She looks at it and says, “No, that’s not enough. I need $300.”
“$300?! The priest told me I only had to give $100!”
“Well that’s because the priest is a regular customer…”
-
His Career Is Now in Ruins
I have a friend who quit his job to pursue his dream in archaeology.
His career is now in ruins.
-
The New CEO and the Delivery Guy
A new CEO decides it’s time to get rid of the slackers.
During a tour of the office, he notices a guy leaning against the wall while everyone else is working.
Seeing a chance to show he means business, he walks over and asks, “How much do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man replies, “About $400. Why?”
The CEO says, “Wait right here.”
He goes back to his office, returns a few minutes later, hands the guy $1,600 in cash, and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out, and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty proud of himself, the CEO turns to the employees and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did around here?”
A voice from the back says, “He was the DoorDash delivery guy.”
-
The Beer CEOs at the Bar
Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The other three look at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The CEO of Guinness says, “Well, I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer, it would be rude if I did.”
-
Dave’s Haircut and the Pope
Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?’”
-
The Old Man at the Red Light District
An old man was visiting a red light area.
There, a really hot prostitute asked him if he wanted her for an hour. The man replied, “I won’t be able to.”
“Why won’t you be able to? I’ll make you have the time of your life,” said the prostitute, and took him to her private room.
The prostitute stripped and asked the man to do the same. The man again replied, “I won’t be able to.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll do great,” said the prostitute as she stripped him.
Then they started having sex, and he was great. The prostitute orgasmed multiple times and they kept going even when the hour was over.
When the man got tired they finally stopped. Exhausted, the prostitute said, “That was the best sex I’ve ever had. Why were you saying ‘I won’t be able to’? You are so good.”
The man replied, “I meant I won’t be able to pay.”
-
Checking In at the Reception Desk in Hell
A man is checking in at the reception desk in Hell.
“Welcome!” says the Devil. “You’re in for an amazing time! First up, did you like a drink when you were on Earth?”
“I certainly did!” says the man.
“Great!” says the Devil. “We kick off the week on Monday with a gigantic piss-up. Beer, whisky, rum, brandy, gin, tequila, you name it, we’ve got it! You can’t get a hangover, and you certainly can’t kill your liver. You’re already dead!”
“Fantastic!” says the man. “What about Tuesday?”
“Tuesday? Just wait until you get to Tuesday! Do you like women?”
“I sure do,” says the man.
“Then Tuesday’s going to be great too! You’ll be at it all day long with the most amazing women you ever saw. They’re into all kinds of everything you can imagine, no matter how kinky. And you can’t catch any STIs either, not even herpes never mind syphilis! You’re already dead!”
“Then it’s Wednesday,” continues the Devil. “Ever do drugs on Earth? No? Want to give it a go? We’ve got all kinds of substances down here, and you can do them all. You’ll never OD or rot your brain. How could you? You’re already dead!”
“Great!” says the man. “And Thursdays?”
“Thursdays,” says the Devil, “is when we roll out the tobacco. Bit of a chill day after all the partying. Cigars, cigarettes, cheroots, you name it. Every kind of leaf that the Earth ever had, and you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it. And you can’t get lung cancer or even a nasty cough! You’re already dead!”
“Now, Fridays,” says the Devil. “Were you into that gay stuff on Earth? A bit of back-door action just to change it up? Maybe gobble on a big thick rod or two?”
“Oh no,” says the man, “I never liked the sound of that at all.”
The Devil sighs. “Oh well. I guess Fridays aren’t going to be much fun for you, then.”
