Daily life jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a two-pound can of coffee, and a one-pound package of bacon.
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every person you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — to heck with dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense….
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. (*No pun intended.)
At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is … uh …”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.
“Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
“BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”
The shrubbery’s drunk too — from frequent watering.
vivivictoria: hey gang im ordering 14 dollars worth of soda and nothing else from my local dominos
im thorsty
vivivictoria: He better not fucking have
YOUR ORDER IS IN THE OVEN – Majkiiwis put your order in the oven at 2:47 PM.
allow me to slip into something more comfortable ~
*gets in my car and leaves*
My girlfriend likes to watch me jerk off. Too bad she doesn’t like to watch me eat Froot Loops and play video games, because that would pretty much cover my entire day.
I call them “tissues” instead of “Kleenex” until one goes into the laundry, then they’re “fucking Kleenex.”
If you’re walking around carrying a sack of your dog’s shit, the dog has already won.
Me talking to the sink full of dirty dishes every night
I’m going to bed. Fuck the lot of you.
fishy @fishbowel
Me: I love my new indestructible walls I just wish I had some kool-aid
*audible thud outside house*
Me: what was that
