Topic: death

Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.

  • Still Smells Fresh

    Still Smells Fresh

    Still smells fresh

    Tide

  • You’re Next

    Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next.”

    So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  • Much Better Insurance

    A rich donor is given a tour of the new hospital wing named after her.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The tour guide shows her all the wonderful people she’s helped, the staff they hired, and the medical equipment her philanthropy helped fund. As they tour one of the bottom floors, they come to a room where a man is furiously masturbating. The rich donor is appalled and wants to cut the tour short.

    The tour guide says, “Ma’am, you don’t understand. This man has a very rare condition. If he doesn’t ejaculate every hour or so, poisons will accumulate in his blood and he’ll die soon after.”

    Relieved by the explanation, the rich donor decides to continue the tour. She’s shown the cancer ward, obstetrics, the highly advanced surgical ward, and finally the top floor that houses the sickest patients. As the tourists pass a room, the donor notices a patient receiving a blowjob from a nurse. Again, she is appalled and wants to end the tour.

    The tour guide says, “Remember down on the first floor with the guy masturbating?”

    She replies, “How could I forget?”

    The tour guide says, “Well, this man has the same condition, only much better insurance.”

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  • Open Mike Night

    I’m hosting an autopsy club meeting tonight!

    It’s “Open Mike Night”!

  • Superman, You’re a Real Asshole When You’ve Been Drinking

    On the 110th floor of the Empire State Building, there’s a bar. It has windows all around the floor so you can see everywhere. A guy walks into the bar one day and notices another guy sitting down at the end of the bar. The barkeeper hands the guy a big bubbling, gurgling, fizzy green drink. The guy drinks it down in a single gulp, looks over at everyone and says, “You know, the wind currents are so strong up here you can just hop out and fly around.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Another guy at the bar looks at him and says, “No way, you’re so full of shit!”

    So the man walks over to the window, opens it, then hops out. He flies around the entire building a couple times, then comes back in, closes the window, and sits back down at the bar.

    The other guy says, “Damn, that must be a helluva drink.” So he orders one. The barkeeper hands him the same drink the other guy had, and he downs it in a single gulp. Then he walks over to the window, opens it, looks back at the other guy that did it and says, “Yeah man, I don’t know about this.”

    The guy that did it already looks him in the eyes and tells him, “Don’t be a pussy!”

    So he steps outside and falls 110 stories to his death. The barkeeper turns to the guy and says, “Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’ve been drinking.”

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  • Tough Shit

    A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives.

    Man: “One box of laxatives, please?”

    Pharmacist: “I’m sorry. We’re all out of stock.”

    Man: “What, again?! How does this keep happening?! I’m desperate for some relief!”

    Pharmacist: “Well, that’s tough shit, I’m afraid.”

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  • Dinosaurs Don’t Make Good Pets

    Why don’t dinosaurs make good pets?

    Because they’re dead.

  • Well, the test results are back, and it turns out you *can* get

    Well, the test results are back, and it turns out you *can* get a disease from a toilet seat — especially if you have sex with a heroin-addicted hooker on it.

  • (Jilly G.) It finally dawned on me that I had a sex addiction

    (Jilly G.) It finally dawned on me that I had a sex addiction when I found myself asking the pharmacist what I could use to treat penis calluses.

  • The problem with being a scat freak with a cold is that nobody

    The problem with being a scat freak with a cold is that nobody knows what to think when you tell them you feel like fucking shit.