Topic: family

When I play with kids, instead of saying, “Got your nose!” I say, “Got your appendix!” That way, they can’t prove you wrong with a mirror — and if you accidentally really took it, they’d probably be okay.

Great! After weathering the screening process required to join the polygamist sect, the elders decide to stick me with *one* wife who happens to have multiple personality disorder.

When my sister takes her kid to the mall, she puts him on one of those kiddie leashes so he doesn’t get lost. How creepy is that? Personally, I think he’d be much safer and happier if she left him at home in his crate.

When I was a little boy, like a lot of kids at that age I had a special friend who was imaginary. But time passes, and you grow up and realize *all* your friends are imaginary.

I had the surprise of my life last Sunday when I opened Mom’s refrigerator, took out a Cool Whip container and found it actually contained Cool Whip.

I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people. Little, stupid people who cry a lot.

The four-year-olds at my son’s birthday party mistakenly thought it was a pinata, but I was actually just hanging Curious George in effigy.

I’m holding back from having my own children because I’m not sure I’d be a very good parent. Besides, have you any idea how much people at raves charge when you want them to watch kids?

One of the worst things about being in a fantasy football league is trying to explain to your wife why she overheard you call another guy a “fantasy stud.”

What I like best about being a dad is no longer being the initial suspect when the room smells like poo.