WHITE LIVES MATTER
BLACK LIVES MATTER
I HATE NIGGAS AND WOMEN
Topic: family
Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Tent Poles Are Not for Pole Dancing
TENT POLES ARE NOT FOR POLE DANCING.
PLEASE FIND ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO DISAPPOINT YOUR FATHER.
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Why Is the Reverse-Cowgirl Position Banned in Alabama?
Why is the reverse-cowgirl position banned in Alabama?
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
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Condom Conundrums: A Young Man’s Dilemma
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The pharmacist tells him they come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which he’d like.
“Well,” the young man says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while, and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, then we’re going out afterward. I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky… and once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time. Better give me the 12-pack.”
So he buys the condoms and leaves.
Later that evening, he’s sitting at dinner with the girl and her parents. He asks if he can say the blessing, and they agree.
He starts praying… and keeps praying… and praying… for several minutes.
Finally, the girl leans over and whispers, “You never told me you were such a religious person.”
He whispers back,
“You never told me your father was a pharmacist.”
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Priorities: Lawyering vs. Giving Back
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… no.”
“—or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.
“—or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
The lawyer cut him off once again: “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
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Family Ties on His Final Goodbye
An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers, “Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?”
And Sarah says, “Yes, I am here.”
He then says, “Are my children—my wonderful children—here with me?”
And they reply, “Yes, Father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last.”
And he says, “And my beautiful grandchildren… are they here with me as well?”
And they too tell him that they are here.
The old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, “If everybody is here… why is the light on in the kitchen?”
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Worms, Wagers, and Wily Whippersnappers!
A boy and his grandfather were digging in the backyard when the grandfather pulled a long earthworm out of the dirt.
The boy says, “Hey, Grandpa. I bet you five bucks I can put that worm right back in the ground.”
“No way that’s possible,” says the grandfather. “You’re on.”
The kid goes inside, gets a can of hairspray, and sprays the length of the earthworm, which goes completely stiff. He takes it between his fingers and slides the worm right back into its burrow.
The grandfather shakes his head and, with an “I’ll be damned,” hands the kid a five-dollar bill and heads inside.
After a while, he comes back out to the yard and hands the kid a five-dollar bill.
“Grandpa,” the kid says, “you already paid me.”
“I know,” the grandfather replies. “That’s from Grandma.”
