I’M NOT RACIST
MY WIFE’S EYE IS BLACK
Topic: marriage
Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.
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Marriage Not as Good as Predator, Say Men
Marriage not as good as ‘Predator’, say men
MARRYING a woman who shares your hopes and dreams is still nowhere near as good as Predator, according to a new survey.
A poll of husbands for Bride magazine found that 80% rated the Schwarzenegger epic had higher levels of excitement and intellectual stimulation than a lifetime commitment to some woman.
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Fuck Him, Give Him Five Dollars
A mailman was delivering mail on Christmas Eve when a beautiful middle-aged woman stopped him and said, “Can you come inside the house real quick?”
The mailman was intrigued and followed her inside.
She took him to the bedroom, started taking her clothes off, and they had sex.
After it was over, he got dressed to leave, and she handed him a five-dollar bill.
The mailman, confused, asked, “What was all this for?”
She said, “My husband and I were discussing Christmas gifts, and I asked him if we should give anything to the mailman.”
“He said, ‘Ahh, fuck him, give him five dollars.’”
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I Washed Them the Day Before
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window blowing kisses at them.
Jerry says, “Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!”
Stan replies, “Just ignore her. Don’t pay her any mind.”
The woman then gestures for Jerry to come up to her apartment.
Jerry says, “Did you see that? She’s calling for me!”
Stan insists, “Man, don’t go up there!”
Jerry asks, “Why not? Why don’t you want me to go see her?”
Stan pleads, “Dude, just listen to me. Don’t go!”
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building.
The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment.
Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.
The woman looks out the window and says, “Oh no, that’s my husband!”
“Crap!” Jerry exclaims.
“Don’t worry,” she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. “I’ll just tell him you’re the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes.”
Because the husband stays home all day, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.
The next day, Jerry goes to Stan’s house and tells him the whole story.
“You won’t believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!”
“I told you not to go,” sighs Stan. “All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before.”
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My Husband’s Home!
Dave pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
The bartender asked, “What makes you say that?”
Dave beamed with pride. “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work.”
“She was so thrilled to have me around that every time a mailman or delivery guy came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
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The Three Stages of Marital Sex
A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help.
While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re okay on the sex thing, right, son?”
“Yeah, sure, Dad. It’s all cool.”
The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?”
“The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!”
“No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.”
“Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?”
The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex.
Honeymoon sex is what you would expect – you and your wife can’t get enough of each other. You’re constantly going at it.
But as life gets busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions.
Then, finally, you reach the stage of hallway sex.”
“What’s that?” the son asks.
“Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say, ‘Fuck you.’”
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Tell That to Mrs. Coolidge
It’s said that President and Mrs. Coolidge were invited to visit a Department of Agriculture station that was working on ways to improve farming. Two agents guided them separately.
When Mrs. Coolidge was brought to the chicken yard, she noticed a rooster doing his duty. She asked how many times the rooster could provide service per day and was told dozens of times.
She replied, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.”
Later, when the President was informed of that fact, he asked, “Same hen every time?”
He was told, “No, a different hen every time.”
He responded, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
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Stop pretending that I cared
My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That’s all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared.
