Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • Gift Strategies: Diamonds vs. Dildos!

    A rich man and a poor man are discussing their wive’s birthday gifts.

    The rich man says, “I think this year I’m going to get my wife a diamond ring and a brand-new Mercedes.”

    The poor man asks, “Why two gifts?”

    “That way,” the rich man says, “if she doesn’t like the ring, she can return it in her new car and still be happy. How about you, what will you get your wife?”

    The poor man looks at him and says, “You know what, I’m going to get my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”

  • Princess No More: An Alliance in Love

    My last girlfriend demanded to be treated as a princess.
    Boy was she mad when I married her off to secure an alliance with France.

  • My wife has been having an affair with the mailman.

    A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”

    “What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”

    “That’s right,” says the first guy.

    “Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”

  • Cheese Wheel Tragedy: A Photographer’s Last Shot

    A wedding photographer was today tragically crushed by a 200lb wheel of cheese that fell off the catering truck.

    The guests all tried to warn him…

  • Twice the Trouble: A Wish Gone Wrong

    A man meets a genie who grants him three wishes, but warns him: whatever he asks for, his ex-wife gets twice as much.

    “Well,” says the man, “for my first wish, beat me half to death.”

  • Faked my age

    A 60-year-old millionaire marries a hot 25-year-old woman.

    After the honeymoon, they throw a party to celebrate their marriage. After a few drinks, the millionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed a 25-year-old hottie.

    “It’s simple,” the millionaire boasts. “I faked my age.”

    “Yeah, but even for a 40- or 45-year-old guy, she’s sensational. So what age did you tell her you were?” a friend asks.

    With a smile on his lips, the millionaire responds, “85 years old.”

  • Old man at a wedding

    I was at a wedding when this really old guy staggers over to my table, points straight at me, and loudly announces, “I screwed your grandma!”

    I sighed and said, “Grandpa, you’ve had enough. Let’s get you home.”

  • A woman complains to a doctor…

    Woman: Doctor, whenever a man gives me a compliment, I want to fuck him at once, no matter who, no matter where. What do I have?

    Doctor: Beautiful eyes…

  • Do Voodoo Dolls Work?

    So a woman calls her husband at work and asks, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your back, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
    He says, “God, no.”

    And she says, “Um… how about now?”

  • “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

    A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

    Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”