Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • I Washed Them the Day Before

    Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window blowing kisses at them.

    Jerry says, “Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!”

    Stan replies, “Just ignore her. Don’t pay her any mind.”

    The woman then gestures for Jerry to come up to her apartment.

    Jerry says, “Did you see that? She’s calling for me!”

    Stan insists, “Man, don’t go up there!”

    Jerry asks, “Why not? Why don’t you want me to go see her?”

    Stan pleads, “Dude, just listen to me. Don’t go!”

    Jerry ignores him and runs into the building.

    The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment.

    Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.

    The woman looks out the window and says, “Oh no, that’s my husband!”

    “Crap!” Jerry exclaims.

    “Don’t worry,” she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. “I’ll just tell him you’re the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes.”

    Because the husband stays home all day, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.

    The next day, Jerry goes to Stan’s house and tells him the whole story.

    “You won’t believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!”

    “I told you not to go,” sighs Stan. “All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before.”

  • My Husband’s Home!

    Dave pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”

    The bartender asked, “What makes you say that?”

    Dave beamed with pride. “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work.”

    “She was so thrilled to have me around that every time a mailman or delivery guy came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

  • The Three Stages of Marital Sex

    A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re okay on the sex thing, right, son?”

    “Yeah, sure, Dad. It’s all cool.”

    The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?”

    “The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!”

    “No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.”

    “Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?”

    The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex.

    Honeymoon sex is what you would expect – you and your wife can’t get enough of each other. You’re constantly going at it.

    But as life gets busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions.

    Then, finally, you reach the stage of hallway sex.”

    “What’s that?” the son asks.

    “Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say, ‘Fuck you.’”

  • Tell That to Mrs. Coolidge

    It’s said that President and Mrs. Coolidge were invited to visit a Department of Agriculture station that was working on ways to improve farming. Two agents guided them separately.

    When Mrs. Coolidge was brought to the chicken yard, she noticed a rooster doing his duty. She asked how many times the rooster could provide service per day and was told dozens of times.

    She replied, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.”

    Later, when the President was informed of that fact, he asked, “Same hen every time?”

    He was told, “No, a different hen every time.”

    He responded, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

  • Apparently, ‘Anything’ Doesn’t Include Traffic

    A guy is sitting at a bar looking dejected.

    The bartender says, “What’s wrong, buddy?”

    The guy says, “My wife is divorcing me.”

    “Why? What happened?”

    “Well,” says the guy, “my wife said, ‘If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.’”

    “So?” says the bartender.

    The guy sighs. “Apparently, ‘anything’ doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.”

  • Stop pretending that I cared

    My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That’s all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared.

  • Heavenly Rewards for Marital Honesty!

    At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is processing new entrants to heaven, but heaven is a fair distance away.

    Peter asks the man at the front of the line, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”

    The man replies, “I have never cheated on my wife.”

    St. Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Lamborghini,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.

    Peter asks the next man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Once, but I felt really guilty about it.”

    Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Suzuki Sidekick,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.

    Peter asks the third man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Oh, it’s not even funny how many times I cheated on my wife.”

    Peter replies, “Okay, you get a motor scooter,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.

    Soon, the Suzuki Sidekick driver runs into the Lamborghini driver, who’s crying while pulled over to the side of the road. He asks what’s wrong, and the Lamborghini driver replies, “I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!”

  • Love Stinks: A Wedding Dilemma

    A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
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    Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

    The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

    “Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

    His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”

    “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

    “No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

    Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

    The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.

    “Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

    “Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

    “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

    Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

    “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

    “Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

    “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

    The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

    Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

    “Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

  • Marriage: The Real Devil’s Advocate

    Church was in service when the Devil appeared and started running up and down the aisles, screaming, “I AM BEELZEBUB, LORD OF HELL! FEAR ME!”

    Everyone in the church started panicking and scrambling to escape, except an old man who just quietly sat there shaking his head.

    The Devil, seeing this, went up to the old man and shouted, “I AM BEELZEBUB! WHY AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF ME?!”

    The old man calmly looked the devil in the eyes and said, “I’ve been married to your sister for 60 years.”

  • Stringing Together a Hilarious Defense!

    A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

    The judge looks down at her and asks, “First offender?”

    The woman replies, “nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender.”