Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • Heavenly Rewards for Marital Honesty!

    At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is processing new entrants to heaven, but heaven is a fair distance away.

    Peter asks the man at the front of the line, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”

    The man replies, “I have never cheated on my wife.”

    St. Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Lamborghini,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.

    Peter asks the next man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Once, but I felt really guilty about it.”

    Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Suzuki Sidekick,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.

    Peter asks the third man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Oh, it’s not even funny how many times I cheated on my wife.”

    Peter replies, “Okay, you get a motor scooter,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.

    Soon, the Suzuki Sidekick driver runs into the Lamborghini driver, who’s crying while pulled over to the side of the road. He asks what’s wrong, and the Lamborghini driver replies, “I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!”

  • Love Stinks: A Wedding Dilemma

    A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
    Long
    Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

    The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

    “Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

    His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”

    “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

    “No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

    Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

    The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.

    “Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

    “Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

    “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

    Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

    “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

    “Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

    “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

    The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

    Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

    “Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

  • Marriage: The Real Devil’s Advocate

    Church was in service when the Devil appeared and started running up and down the aisles, screaming, “I AM BEELZEBUB, LORD OF HELL! FEAR ME!”

    Everyone in the church started panicking and scrambling to escape, except an old man who just quietly sat there shaking his head.

    The Devil, seeing this, went up to the old man and shouted, “I AM BEELZEBUB! WHY AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF ME?!”

    The old man calmly looked the devil in the eyes and said, “I’ve been married to your sister for 60 years.”

  • Stringing Together a Hilarious Defense!

    A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

    The judge looks down at her and asks, “First offender?”

    The woman replies, “nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender.”

  • Gift Strategies: Diamonds vs. Dildos!

    A rich man and a poor man are discussing their wive’s birthday gifts.

    The rich man says, “I think this year I’m going to get my wife a diamond ring and a brand-new Mercedes.”

    The poor man asks, “Why two gifts?”

    “That way,” the rich man says, “if she doesn’t like the ring, she can return it in her new car and still be happy. How about you, what will you get your wife?”

    The poor man looks at him and says, “You know what, I’m going to get my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”

  • Princess No More: An Alliance in Love

    My last girlfriend demanded to be treated as a princess.
    Boy was she mad when I married her off to secure an alliance with France.

  • My wife has been having an affair with the mailman.

    A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”

    “What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”

    “That’s right,” says the first guy.

    “Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”

  • Cheese Wheel Tragedy: A Photographer’s Last Shot

    A wedding photographer was today tragically crushed by a 200lb wheel of cheese that fell off the catering truck.

    The guests all tried to warn him…

  • Twice the Trouble: A Wish Gone Wrong

    A man meets a genie who grants him three wishes, but warns him: whatever he asks for, his ex-wife gets twice as much.

    “Well,” says the man, “for my first wish, beat me half to death.”

  • Faked my age

    A 60-year-old millionaire marries a hot 25-year-old woman.

    After the honeymoon, they throw a party to celebrate their marriage. After a few drinks, the millionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed a 25-year-old hottie.

    “It’s simple,” the millionaire boasts. “I faked my age.”

    “Yeah, but even for a 40- or 45-year-old guy, she’s sensational. So what age did you tell her you were?” a friend asks.

    With a smile on his lips, the millionaire responds, “85 years old.”