Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • Divorced Barbie

    A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized Christmas was coming up and he had not yet purchased his daughter a gift.

    So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

    The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

    The overwhelmed man asked, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?”

    “That’s obvious!” said the sales clerk. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, and Ken’s furniture.”

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  • My Husbands Home

    Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”

    The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

    Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work… Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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  • Not Good Enough For Her Family

    On his honeymoon, a redneck is about to make love when his wife asks, “Wait, honey, I have to tell you something. I’m a virgin.”

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    “WHAT THE HELL?” the man shouts and punches her in the face, knocking her to the ground.

    He wraps her in a sheet, drags her up the stairs, and leads her out the door. He throws her in the back of his pickup truck and drives to her father’s house, where he throws her out in the yard.

    Then the man drives to his father’s house, goes inside and hides.

    The father sees his son and says, “What the hell are you doing here, boy? Shouldn’t you be with your new wife?”

    “Well, Pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”

    “Oh, holy shit,” Dad says. “What did you do then?”

    “I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her in a sheet, dragged her down the stairs, threw her out the door, threw her in the back of my pickup, then drove to her dad’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”

    Dad starts laughing and, patting his son on the back, says, “Good job, son. If she’s not good enough for her family, then I say she’s not good enough for ours either.”

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  • Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day

    For a wedding gift, a guy decides to tattoo his wife’s name on his penis…

    When erect, it proudly reads “Wendy” on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows “Wy”.

    While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a “Wy” on his penis.

    He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy replies in a Jamaican accent: “No man, why do you ask?”

    The husband then explains that he noticed the Wy on his penis and shared that he also has Wy on his and then when erect it says “Wendy”. The stranger then said: “When I have a hard on it says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.’”

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  • Taken the Edge Off My Appetite

    A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.

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    “Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee.”

    He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

    Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”

    Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    “Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

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  • Pass Me the Vaseline

    Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.

    Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.

    “Hmmmmm,” she said softly, “that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I’ll see what I can do!”

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  • Once a Sailor Always a Sailor

    On the day of the wedding, the bride was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family…

    And then she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes and began to panic.

    Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to the bride for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over the bride’s feet were hurting real bad.

    When she and the groom withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

    The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard the groom say, “God, that was tight.”

    “There,” whispered the mother of the bride. “I told you she was a virgin.”

    Then, to their surprise, they heard the groom say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Followed by more grunting and straining, at last the groom said, “My God. That was even tighter.”

    “That’s my boy,” said the father of the groom. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

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  • Cucumbers Vegan

    Cucumbers Vegan

    When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think that I’m a vegan.

  • Rest In Peace

    Rest In Peace

    Wife: Babe you know if you die, I’m definitely coming with you.

    Husband: I can’t even rest in peace.

  • The Only Way I Can See the Numbers

    When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”

    “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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