Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • The Wrong Approach

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine, and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

    His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt, and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ … and she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

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  • On Our Honeymoon

    I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up.

    Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.

    “You are a mess and I’m disgusted with you,” I said.

    “I’m still the woman you love and married,” she said. “Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit.”

    “We’re on our fuckin honeymoon,” I replied…

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  • A Penny for Your Thoughts

    One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

    “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.

    “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”

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  • 4 Better 4 Worse 4 Richer 4 Poorer

    A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

    “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

    “How do you know that?”

    “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

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  • Divorced Barbie

    A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized Christmas was coming up and he had not yet purchased his daughter a gift.

    So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

    The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

    The overwhelmed man asked, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?”

    “That’s obvious!” said the sales clerk. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, and Ken’s furniture.”

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  • My Husbands Home

    Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”

    The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

    Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work… Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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  • Not Good Enough For Her Family

    On his honeymoon, a redneck is about to make love when his wife asks, “Wait, honey, I have to tell you something. I’m a virgin.”

    “WHAT THE HELL?” the man shouts and punches her in the face, knocking her to the ground.

    He wraps her in a sheet, drags her up the stairs, and leads her out the door. He throws her in the back of his pickup truck and drives to her father’s house, where he throws her out in the yard.

    Then the man drives to his father’s house, goes inside and hides.

    The father sees his son and says, “What the hell are you doing here, boy? Shouldn’t you be with your new wife?”

    “Well, Pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”

    “Oh, holy shit,” Dad says. “What did you do then?”

    “I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her in a sheet, dragged her down the stairs, threw her out the door, threw her in the back of my pickup, then drove to her dad’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”

    Dad starts laughing and, patting his son on the back, says, “Good job, son. If she’s not good enough for her family, then I say she’s not good enough for ours either.”

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  • Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day

    For a wedding gift, a guy decides to tattoo his wife’s name on his penis…

    When erect, it proudly reads “Wendy” on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows “Wy”.

    While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a “Wy” on his penis.

    He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy replies in a Jamaican accent: “No man, why do you ask?”

    The husband then explains that he noticed the Wy on his penis and shared that he also has Wy on his and then when erect it says “Wendy”. The stranger then said: “When I have a hard on it says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.’”

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  • Taken the Edge Off My Appetite

    A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.

    “Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee.”

    He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

    Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”

    Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    “Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

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  • Pass Me the Vaseline

    Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

    The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.

    Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.

    “Hmmmmm,” she said softly, “that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I’ll see what I can do!”

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