I used to date a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.
It was easy.
Jill painted her nails purple and Bob has a pecker.
Topic: relationships
Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
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She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed
A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:
Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”
Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”
Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”
Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”
Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”
Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”
Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”
Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”
Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”
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Deepest Condolences
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter constantly called her, urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she’d go out but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet.”
It was an immediate hit. They took to each other, and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, they undressed. She stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black lacy panties, and he was in his birthday suit. But now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
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Types of Men
Types of men…
Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpyOld Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the assFlinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggleBigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pigLazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreamsThe Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his lifeAce of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually arousedThe Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but…”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction -
Her Story vs His Story
A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don’t know, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else????
His story:
Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin’ though.
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The Perfect Day According to Him and Her
The Perfect Day According to Him and Her
THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HER
8:45 WAKE UP TO HUGS AND KISSES
9:00 3 KILOS LIGHTER ON THE SCALES
9:30 LIGHT BREAKFAST
11:00 SUNBATHE
12:30 LUNCH WITH BEST FRIEND AT OUTDOOR CAFE
1:45 SHOPPING
2:20 RUN INTO BOYFRIEND’S/HUSBAND’S EX — NOTICE SHE HAS GAINED 20LBS
3:00 FACIAL, MASSAGE, NAP
7:30 CANDLELIGHT DINNER FOR TWO AND DANCING
10:00 MAKE LOVE
11:30 PILLOW TALK IN HIS BIG STRONG ARMSTHE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HIM
10:00 WAKE UP
10:02 ORAL SEX
10:10 BIG COOKED BREAKFAST
11:30 DRIVE UP THE COAST IN FERRARI WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
2:15 ENORMOUS LUNCH
3:15 ORAL SEX WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
3:25 PLAY SPORTS WITH THE GUYS
4:30 DRINK BEER WITH THE GUYS
6:30 MEET ELLE MACPHERSON
6:40 ORAL SEX WITH ELLE MACPHERSON
6:50 HUGE DINNER, MORE BEER
8:00 USE ALL COMPONENTS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM MAKING SURE ALL THE REMOTES WORK
11:00 FULL ON, GET DOWN, GORILLA SEX WITH EITHER ELLE MACPHERSON, GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS OR BOTH
11:10 SLEEP -
Dumb Men Jokes Volume 2
Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
Because they don’t have any.Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
