Topic: relationships

(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)

1. Don’t call, ever.

2. If you don’t like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as “spike”.

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6. Here’s a good pickup line: “My girlfriend’s pregnant, will you go out with me?”

7. Drink Vernors.

8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don’t want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10. Always remember: you are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help — don’t ask. People will think you have no penis.

13. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

14. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

15. If you don’t like a girl but can’t think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like: “I don’t know. I just don’t like her personality.”

16. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she’s missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21. Tell her you will call, then refer back to Rule 1.

22. Say things like “Wha…?”

23. Don’t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked them out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything.

26. Good break up line: “It’s not you, it’s me.”

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her because if any of your female friends like you, they’ll really want to know.

28. Don’t have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn’t and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. If you don’t get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

35. Feelings? What feelings?

36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex: “Don’t worry. If you don’t have an orgasm, you won’t get pregnant.”

37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to eradicate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: question: “Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?” Answer: “Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day.”

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it’s right.

42. Lie.

43. “Love” is not in your vocabulary. Don’t even think about saying it.

44. A general rule: if whatever you’re doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it’s really not worth it.

45. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don’t.

49. Try to have a good memory but it’s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend’s birthday and eye colour.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can’t see them, they can’t see you.

51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54. Lie.

55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.

56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.

57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON’T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

59. You are male, therefore you are superior.

60. Agenda for a boring evening: get beer, drink beer, play with yourself, have sex, drink more beer, pass out.

61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

62. Don’t ever notice anything.

63. If you’re going out with someone but you love someone else, don’t say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: quantity, not quality.

65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity IS quality.

66. Lie.

67. If you cheat on a girl but no one finds out, then technically you’ve done nothing wrong.

68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

69. If the question begins with “why”, the answer is “I don’t know.”

70. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away.

71. Remember: every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault — not you.

73. Don’t ever let anyone say “I told you so.” If you hear this phrase and it didn’t come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted “door spot” and others will worship your skills.

75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

76. Other people’s pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

77. Lie.

78. General Rule: different is BAD.

79. If anyone asks you for a favour: (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it; (b) remind them of this huge favour you’ve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.

81. If you do something really mean to a girl and she doesn’t want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn’t talk to you, casually ask: “Is something wrong?”

82. Three words: “Let’s be friends.” Translation: “I never want to speak to you again but it’s bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I’ll pretend I want to be your friend.”

83. Lie.

84. If you’re on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you’ve been laid in.

85. When you tell a girl about your past, it’s good to say: “God, I was such a pimp back then.”

86. Here’s a good trick. Tell a girl that you’re going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad’s room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)

87. If a girl breaks up with you because you’re in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset because, you know, SHE’s the one who wanted to end the relationship.

88. The best sex position is you, lying face up… and twenty girls on top.

89. Practice your blank stare.

90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

91. If you’re ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won’t be asked to do it again.

92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON’T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do but complain that you don’t know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say: “SEE? I TOLD you I couldn’t do it.” Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you’ve been working out, say things like: “No, Baby, I was BORN like this!”

94. Do not listen to “pussy music” such as Erasure, Color Me Badd or Oldies.

95. Beer. Then more beer.

96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

97. One word: FOOTBALL!

98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don’t want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we?

99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with “The Gang.”

100. Lie.