Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • Can You Guys Peel the Cucumbers, Please?

    Can You Guys Peel the Cucumbers, Please?

    French Fries

    Greek Salad
    Request: Can you guys peel the cucumbers, please? If not, no big deal, but my girlfriend acts like a fucking bitch about unpeeled cucumbers like it’s my fault.

    XL 18″ Cheese Pizza

  • Only If WW3 Would Start

    Only If WW3 Would Start

    March 2018

    Wanna be my gf? 15:21
    Only if WW3 would start. 15:22

    Today

    Yo 11:49

  • Nope — I Slept With Your Wife

    A man walks into a bar.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

    The man replies, “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”

    The bartender looks shocked and says, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you kill yourself.”

    The man asks, “Well, what would you do in my situation?”

    The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says, “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife, I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. I’d kill the guy.”

    The man jumps up from his stool and shouts, “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” Then he runs out of the bar.

    A couple of hours go by, and the bartender starts to get nervous. Then the man walks back in with a smile on his face.

    “Did you kill the guy?” the bartender asks nervously.

    “Nope,” the man says. “I slept with your wife. Whiskey, please.”

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  • The Three Stages of Marital Sex

    A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re okay on the sex thing, right, son?”

    “Yeah, sure, Dad. It’s all cool.”

    The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?”

    “The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!”

    “No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.”

    “Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?”

    The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex.

    Honeymoon sex is what you would expect – you and your wife can’t get enough of each other. You’re constantly going at it.

    But as life gets busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions.

    Then, finally, you reach the stage of hallway sex.”

    “What’s that?” the son asks.

    “Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say, ‘Fuck you.’”

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  • Tell That to Mrs. Coolidge

    It’s said that President and Mrs. Coolidge were invited to visit a Department of Agriculture station that was working on ways to improve farming. Two agents guided them separately.

    When Mrs. Coolidge was brought to the chicken yard, she noticed a rooster doing his duty. She asked how many times the rooster could provide service per day and was told dozens of times.

    She replied, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.”

    Later, when the President was informed of that fact, he asked, “Same hen every time?”

    He was told, “No, a different hen every time.”

    He responded, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

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  • Why Is My Blonde Girlfriend So Beautiful?

    “Dear God, why is my blonde girlfriend so very beautiful?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    God answers, “My son, to make you love her.”

    “But why is she also so very stupid?”

    “My son, to make her love you back.”

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  • And then I saw her face

    When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
    And then I saw her face…

  • Apparently, ‘Anything’ Doesn’t Include Traffic

    A guy is sitting at a bar looking dejected.

    The bartender says, “What’s wrong, buddy?”

    The guy says, “My wife is divorcing me.”

    “Why? What happened?”

    “Well,” says the guy, “my wife said, ‘If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.’”

    “So?” says the bartender.

    The guy sighs. “Apparently, ‘anything’ doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.”

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  • At least she’ll never be hungry

    I bet if an eagle’s daughter ever flew off with a buzzard, the eagle would react nobly and think, “Well, at least she’ll never be hungry.”

  • Help me out here

    It’s really cool when you and your girlfriend finish each other’s sentences. It sucks, though, when you break up and discover you’re no longer capable of speaking in complete… uh… help me out here…