Three nuns were sitting on a bench in the park when a man ran up and flashed them.
Two of the nuns had a stroke. The third couldn’t reach.
Topic: religion
Religion jokes, holy weirdness, questionable miracles, and sacred-adjacent punchlines from the part of the internet that definitely heard the thunder.
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The third couldn’t reach
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Show it your cross
Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the village when suddenly a vampire jumps out from behind a bush.
The first nun screams to her friend, “Quick, show it your cross!”
“Get the fuck out of the way!” she yells.
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It must be the cobblestone
Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the village. One says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
The other replies, “Me neither. It must be the cobblestone.” -
Blessing with a Side of Cursing!
An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably: “F this, F that, F you,” and finally the lady can stand it no more.
She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments, and then it goes quiet.
The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman’s outstretched hand. He looks into the lady’s eyes and says, “Ma’am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you, and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?”
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Baiting the Priest: A Fishy Tale!
Two altar boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and reels it in. He snatches it up and proclaims to the other altar boy, “Look at this big sum bitch!”
The other altar boy says, “You can’t say that—you’re an altar boy.”
To which he explains, “That’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
“Wow, well that is a big sum bitch. Let’s go show it to the priest!”
The two boys run up to the priest, yelling, “Priest, look at this big sum bitch we caught!”
Priest: “You boys can’t talk like that—you’re altar boys!”
Altar boys: “Priest, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Priest: “Well, that is a nice sum bitch. Let’s go catch some more of those sum bitches and show ’em to the cardinal!”
So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal.
“Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!”Cardinal: “I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!”
Altar boys: “Well, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Cardinal: “I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches. Let’s take them to the nun and see if she’ll cook up these sum bitches!”
So the altar boys, the priest, and the cardinal go see the nun.
“Nun! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!”
Nun: “I ain’t cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!”
Altar boys: “Nun, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch!”
Nun: “Well, since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!”
That night, the pope is visiting town and sits down for supper with the altar boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.Altar boys: “I can’t believe we caught all these sum bitches!”
Priest: “These are the best sum bitches I have ever eaten!”
Cardinal: “Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!”
Nun: “I sure did. You boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!”
The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says, “Y’all motherfuckers are alright!”
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Papal Joyride: A Divine Driving Desire
After getting Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver. “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?!” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“Who’s going to tell?” says the pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km/h.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license—and my job!” moans the driver.
The pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the chief,” he says to the dispatcher.The chief gets on the radio, and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 km/h.
“So bust him,” says the chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,” says the cop.
The chief exclaims, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” says the cop with a bit of persistence.
The chief then asks, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “A senator?”
Cop: “Bigger.”Chief: “The president?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
“Well,” says the chief, “who is it?”
Cop: “I think it’s God!”
The chief is even more puzzled and curious. “What makes you think it’s God?”
Cop: “His chauffeur is the pope!”
