A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger banging his wife.
The guy says, “Hey! What the hell is going on here!?!”
And his wife says to the stranger, “See? I told you he was stupid.”
Topic: sex
Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.
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Me buying condoms
*Me buying condoms*
Pharmacist: Do you need a bag?
Me: No thanks, she’s beautiful
Pharmacist:
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A Trained Crocodile
A circus claims to have a truly unique attraction: a trained crocodile.
The crocodile shows some truly astonishing skills like jumping through a burning hoop, riding a bicycle, and even smoking a pipe.
At the end of the show, the crocodile’s trainer instructs the orchestra to play a dramatic flourish as he unzips his pants and places his member into the crocodile’s open mouth. The crocodile then gently closes its mouth until the trainer gives it a good, solid whack between the eyes, upon which the crocodile lets go of his member without as much as a scratch. The audience erupts in applause until the trainer gestures for them to be quiet.
“Any gentleman within the audience who is willing to repeat this, I will give them $1,000 in cash!” he proclaims. Nobody answers, so he ups the ante to $2,000, then $3,000 and even $4,000 until, when he calls out: “Alright, then, $5,000!” a man in the audience stands up.
“I’ll do it! But on one condition!”
“And what would that be?” asks the trainer.
“Don’t hit me between the eyes like that.”
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The Last Body of the Day
A mortician is working on the last body of the day before he’s going to call it quits. He is amazed by the size of this man’s penis.
He says to himself, “Well, Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I’m going to have to take a photo of this to show to my wife.”
He takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When he sees his wife, he immediately takes out his phone and shows her the photo of the penis.
She looks aghast, then cries out, “Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!”
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A man goes to the doctor and complains that he has a bright orange penis
A man goes to the doctor and complains that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look, and sure enough, the man’s penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says, “My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office, so I don’t come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make myself dinner, watch a little TV, then get ready for bed.”
The doctor asks, “Do you do anything before bed?”
The man says, “Nothing unusual, I just surf the web and eat Cheetos.”
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Is it OK to have oral sex with a 95-year-old woman?
Is it OK to have oral sex with a 95-year-old woman?
I wasn’t sure, and my friends said it was a bit of a grey area.
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Do women enjoy watching men masturbate
DO WOMEN ENJOY WATCHING MEN MASTURBATE
The ones on the 38 bus don’t.
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Tied to the Railroad Tracks
A guy was walking to a bar, and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex.
He gets to the bar. Friends ask why he’s so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in.
Friends give him props and ask if he got head. The guy replies, “I couldn’t find it.”
