Topic: sex

Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.

  • Dad’s 30-Minute PowerPoint

    Dad’s 30-Minute PowerPoint

    Dad's 30-Minute PowerPoint

  • Speeding Ticket for a Stretching Job!

    The Rectum Stretcher

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    There was a middle-aged blonde lady speeding down the highway in a red sports car. She accelerated while crossing a bridge, figuring she didn’t have to worry about speed traps.

    At the end of the bridge, there was a cop hidden behind a bunch of bushes. His radar gun tagged her at 95 mph. He pulled her over, walked up to the car, and asked, “What’s the hurry?”

    She said, “I’m late to work.”

    The cop asked, “What do you do?”

    The lady responded, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

    The cop chuckled, winked at her, and asked, “Now just what in the hell does a rectum stretcher do?”

    Without missing a beat, she took the opportunity to explain. “Our clients come into our office wanting their rectum stretched. We lube up their assholes until we can get two fingers in there, then we wiggle those fingers around and stretch it until we can get our entire hand inside.”

    The cop was in disbelief at this point and let his mouth drop open. Disgusted but intrigued, he continued to listen.

    She continued, “After we get back from lunch and the patients have had some time to rest, we put our hands back in their butthole and continue the back-and-forth stretching until we can get both hands inside. Once that’s accomplished, we proceed to stretch their rectum until it’s about six feet long!”

    The cop, disheveled and in disbelief, raised his voice and said, “COME ON, LADY! NOW JUST WHAT IN THE HELL WOULD YOU DO WITH A SIX-FOOT ASSHOLE?”

    She replied, “You give it a radar gun and stick it behind a bridge.”

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  • Sandpaper Sally: A Rough Night Out!

    A man is having a terrible day. He’s broke and needs to get his mind off things. He goes to a brothel, hoping to clear his mind. Beautiful women are lined up waiting for his choice.

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    He talks to the madame and says, “I only have $10 to my name. Is there anyone who will fuck me?”

    The madame talks with some of the girls and heads to the back room. She comes back a while later.

    She tells him only one prostitute will sleep with him: Sandpaper Sally. She’s at the end of the hall.

    Nervously, he walks down the hall and enters the room. A woman who isn’t the worst-looking greets him. After warming him up a bit, she begins to fuck him. Her name held true. The man was so uncomfortable while fucking that he had to stop.

    He said, “I can’t do this. It’s too painful.”

    Sally says, “Hang on, I’ll be right back.” She leaves for the bathroom.

    The man is trying to recover. Sally comes back a little while later, and they go at it again. This time it was AMAZING. It was wet and soft. He came, and it was one of the best orgasms he has ever had.

    Astonished, he looks at Sandpaper Sally and asks, “What did you do in the bathroom?”

    She gives a small smile and says, “I picked off all of the scabs.”

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  • Desert Morale: A Hump Day Solution!

    A captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour, he noticed a very old, seedy-looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

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    The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

    The captain said, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

    After he had been at the fort for about six months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

    The sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a footstool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down from the stool, satisfied, and was buttoning his pants, he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

    The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

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  • Desert Desires: The Camel Conundrum

    A man is making a long journey in the desert with his camel. He has been walking for days and suddenly has the urge to have sex. With no other options, he tries to have sex with the camel, which immediately runs away. He catches up and, after another day or so, tries again, but fails because the camel runs away.

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    Another day or two later, he comes across three gorgeous women next to a broken-down van. They ask him for help fixing the van and say they will do anything in return.

    The man is a bit of a mechanic, so he is able to fix their van. The girls come up to him and ask him what he would like; they’re willing to do anything.

    “Anything?” asks the man.

    “Anything you want,” they reply.

    The man thinks about it for a minute, then politely asks, “Could you hold down my camel?”

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  • Overachieving Rooster’s Wild Barnyard Adventures

    A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes out and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens.

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    The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore—he is worried.

    The next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow.

    Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead.

    The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body, and says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!”

    The young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh! They are about to land.”

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  • Gorilla Pranks Lion: Jungle’s Wildest Tale!

    A gorilla spots a lion bent over a stream taking a drink. He sneaks up behind him, does his thing, and takes off running. Furious, the lion chases him through the jungle.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    The gorilla gets ahead and runs into a safari camp, quickly throws on some khakis, grabs a newspaper, and sits by the fire pretending to read.

    Moments later, the lion bursts into camp, roaring, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

    Without looking up, the gorilla says, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”

    The lion gasps, “Oh my god! It’s in the paper already?!”

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  • A pain in the ass

    My wife and I tried anal.
    She loved it, but for me, it was a pain in the ass.

  • Family Secrets at the Strip Club!

    A boy came home one afternoon and informed his mom that he had gone into the strip club.

    This made his mom angry. She asked her son, “Well, did you see anything that you weren’t supposed to see?”

    The boy replied, “Yes, I saw Dad!”

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  • Wrong Rag

    Wrong Rag

    Wrong Rag