Topic: sexual innuendo

Sexual innuendo jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • A Hundred Dollar Bill

    Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

    “A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

    “I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.

    “What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

    “Well,” Larry replied, “for one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in a while I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime.”

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  • It Was an Estimate

    Bob the Builder walks up to a girl in a nightclub and says, “I have an 8 inch dick, and I can shag all night!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    After a few drinks, she takes Bob home with her.

    The next morning, she says, “You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night! Instead, you have a 5 inch dick and lasted three minutes!”

    Bob replies, “I’m a builder, love. It was an estimate.”

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  • Thats a Hard One

    Three nuns die and all go to Heaven. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter appears.

    “I will ask each of you one question,” he says. “You must answer correctly the first time, and you will be granted access to Heaven.”

    Of course, they are all nervous, but the first nun steps up.

    “Who was the first man created?” St. Peter asks.

    “Easy, that was Adam,” the nun replies gleefully.

    The gates open, music starts playing, and in she goes.

    “Next,” says St. Peter, turning to the second nun, “who was the first woman created?”

    “Eve, of course!” she replies.

    The gates open, music starts playing, and she enters.

    St. Peter then looks at the third nun and asks, “And what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

    The third nun looks puzzled, but she’s determined to get into Heaven. She thinks and thinks, then finally mutters under her breath, “Boy… that’s a hard one.”

    And the gates open, the music starts playing, and she walks into Heaven.

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  • Phallic Symbol

    Me: “It’s a phallic symbol.”

    Blonde Secretary in the office: “Ooh! I’d hate to tell you what it looks like!”

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  • Count to 70

    Why can’t a blonde count to 70?

    Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful

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  • Not Kinky Enough Daddy Long Legs

    Not Kinky Enough Daddy Long Legs

  • Men’s English

    Men’s English

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    I’m hungry = I’m hungry

    I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

    I’m tired = I’m tired

    Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you

    May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

    You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

    What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this

    What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

    What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

    I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

    I love you = Let’s have sex now

    I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we’d better have sex now!

    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

    Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

    Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

    (while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

    I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

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  • Guide to the Male Vocabulary

    Guide to the Male Vocabulary

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    1. “Haven’t I seen you before?” “Nice ass.”

    2. “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.”

    3. “I need you” “My hand is oh so tired.”

    4. “I am different from all the other guys” “I am not circumcised.”

    5. “I want a commitment.” “I’m sick of masturbation.”

    6. “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about” “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

    7. “I really want to get to know you better.” “So I can tell my friends about it.”

    8. “It’s just orange juice, try it.” “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

    9. “She’s kinda cute.” “I want to shag her till my dick drops off.”

    10. “I don’t know if I like her” “She won’t let me shag her”

    11. “I miss you so much” “I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good.”

    12. “Was it good for you?” “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

    13. “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” “Is my penis really that small?”

    14. “I had a wonderful time last night.” “Who the hell are you?”

    15. “Do you love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

    16. “Do you ‘really’ love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

    17. “How much do you love me?” “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on his way to tell you about it now.”

    18. “I have something to tell you.” “Get tested.”

    19. “I’ll give you a call.” “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

    20. “I’ve been thinking a lot.” “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

    21. “I think we should just be friends.” “You’re ugly.”

    22. “I’ve learned a lot from you.” “Next!!!!”

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  • Dumb Men Jokes

    Dumb Men Jokes

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
    What Men Know About Women.

    2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One. . . . . men will screw anything.

    3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.

    4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
    Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

    5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
    A half hour of begging.

    6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
    He’s breathing.

    7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
    Bonds mature.

    8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
    They are both empty from the neck up.

    9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
    Who cares?

    10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    No one knows . . . . . . It’s never been done.

    11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
    The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

    12. What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?
    Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

    13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
    E.T. called home.

    14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
    A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

    15. Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis?
    So he can get air to his brain.

    16. How do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head.

    17. How is a man like linoleum?
    If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

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  • She Fakes It With Ken

    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

    The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.”

    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”

    “No,” says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”

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