Topic: sexual innuendo

Sexual innuendo jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • Men’s English

    Men’s English

    I’m hungry = I’m hungry

    I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

    I’m tired = I’m tired

    Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you

    May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

    You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

    What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this

    What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

    What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

    I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

    I love you = Let’s have sex now

    I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we’d better have sex now!

    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

    Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

    Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

    (while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

    I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

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  • Guide to the Male Vocabulary

    Guide to the Male Vocabulary

    1. “Haven’t I seen you before?” “Nice ass.”

    2. “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.”

    3. “I need you” “My hand is oh so tired.”

    4. “I am different from all the other guys” “I am not circumcised.”

    5. “I want a commitment.” “I’m sick of masturbation.”

    6. “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about” “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

    7. “I really want to get to know you better.” “So I can tell my friends about it.”

    8. “It’s just orange juice, try it.” “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

    9. “She’s kinda cute.” “I want to shag her till my dick drops off.”

    10. “I don’t know if I like her” “She won’t let me shag her”

    11. “I miss you so much” “I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good.”

    12. “Was it good for you?” “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

    13. “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” “Is my penis really that small?”

    14. “I had a wonderful time last night.” “Who the hell are you?”

    15. “Do you love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

    16. “Do you ‘really’ love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

    17. “How much do you love me?” “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on his way to tell you about it now.”

    18. “I have something to tell you.” “Get tested.”

    19. “I’ll give you a call.” “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

    20. “I’ve been thinking a lot.” “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

    21. “I think we should just be friends.” “You’re ugly.”

    22. “I’ve learned a lot from you.” “Next!!!!”

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  • Dumb Men Jokes

    Dumb Men Jokes

    1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
    What Men Know About Women.

    2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One. . . . . men will screw anything.

    3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.

    4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
    Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

    5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
    A half hour of begging.

    6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
    He’s breathing.

    7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
    Bonds mature.

    8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
    They are both empty from the neck up.

    9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
    Who cares?

    10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    No one knows . . . . . . It’s never been done.

    11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
    The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

    12. What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?
    Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

    13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
    E.T. called home.

    14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
    A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

    15. Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis?
    So he can get air to his brain.

    16. How do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head.

    17. How is a man like linoleum?
    If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

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  • She Fakes It With Ken

    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

    The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.”

    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”

    “No,” says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”

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  • See A Hole Fill A Hole

    See A Hole Fill A Hole

  • Cucumbers Good For Memory

    Cucumbers Good For Memory

  • Gabriels Trumpet

    When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Sands, the novice Jenny was taken aside by the Mother Superior.

    “I must warn you,” the older woman said, “that although Father Sands is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Otherwise, he will become very excited.”

    With that, Jenny went to look after the aged priest. Later, sobbing, Jenny sought out the Mother Superior.

    “Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing Father Sands, I — I looked down. As you said, he became aroused.”

    “And what happened?”

    “I — I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.”

    “Why, that old bastard!” the Mother Superior fumed. “For years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”

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  • If Your Girlfriend Starts Smoking

    If your girlfriend starts smoking….

    …slow down, and use a lubricant.

  • I Cant Do That

    Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.

    A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.

    The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”

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  • Learn to Write With Your Other Hand

    A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse, from a papercut to the plague, is acceptable for missing a final exam.

    When students suggest scenarios like car issues or roadblocks, she tells them to walk or find a detour.

    Finally, a student asks what to do in the case of “extreme sexual exhaustion”?

    To which the teacher deadpans, “You’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

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