While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTopic: work
Work jokes, office memes, job interview disasters, coworker chaos, and professional suffering with just enough sarcasm to survive another meeting.
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You’re Not Sterile
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
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What the Engineer Says (What It Really Means)
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)Major technological breakthrough.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)We’ll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)Please read and initial.
(Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)Give us your interpretation.
(I can’t wait to hear this!)See me or Let’s Discuss.
(Come into my office, I’m lonely.)All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)Rugged
(Too heavy to lift!)Lightweight
(Lighter than rugged.)Years of development
(One finally worked.)Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.) -
I’ll Show You How
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”
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Excuses if You Get Caught Sleeping in Your Cubicle
It’s okay… I’m still billing the client.
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
This is just a fifteen-minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter, not harder.
“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”
“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I’m in the management training program.
Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”
Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broken… Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!
It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?
I was cross-training for telecommuting.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.
The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.
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Meow
One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: “Help wanted. Must type seventy words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.” A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.
The office manager said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”
The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”
So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, “Here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.”
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I can’t hire a dog for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”
The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”
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Engineering Interview
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?
Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
Interviewer: Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this —“~~”—, OK. DC comes straight, like this ——————————, and the capacitor stops it. But AC goes UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!
Interviewer: What is a step-up transformer?
Student: A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.
Interviewer (smiling): And then what is a step-down transformer?
Student (hesitantly): Uh — a transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?
Interviewer (pouncing): Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?
Interviewer (impatiently): Well?
Student (triumphantly): A stepless transformer, sir!
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Engineer Humor
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. -
Corporate Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself — “Where the hell is the ceiling?”
12. My reality check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don’t suffer from stress — I’m a carrier…
15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
16. Don’t meddle in the affairs of dragons, ’cuz, like, you’re crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo…
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
