Topic: work

Work jokes, office memes, job interview disasters, coworker chaos, and professional suffering with just enough sarcasm to survive another meeting.

  • Accountant’s Creative Job Title Consultation

    A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

    He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

    The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”

    The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

    The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”

    “No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

    They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”

    The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”

    “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

  • Adios Card

    Adios Card

    Can you grab a card on the way home? My coworker’s mom died

    Loss of Loved One

    ADIOS!

    Loss of Loved One

    what the fuck is wrong with you?

  • Insurance Claims Gone Hilariously Wrong

    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

    Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
    I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
    I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
    A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
    The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
    In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
    I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
    I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
    I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
    As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
    My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
    An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
    I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
    I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
    The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
    I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
    The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

  • Thinking Outside The Box Gary

    Thinking Outside The Box Gary

    (At my boss’s funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin)

    “Who’s thinking outside the box now Gary?”

  • He Only Has One Eye and One Ear

    A policeman was interrogating three guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

    The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

    The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

    The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

    “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

    “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s true! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

    “That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

  • Sex I Can’t Tell Anyone About

    My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!” I groaned, “No…”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Sex that I can’t tell anyone about.”

  • Smart Boss Hires Even Smarter People

    John visits his friend David, a fellow businessman, and clearly impressed asks him, “David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?”

    “Easy,” he said. “I surround myself with people who actually have a brain. Watch.” He calls his Chief Financial Officer and asks, “He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”

    The CFO responds almost immediately: “That’s me.”

    John is floored. He flies home, calls his own CFO, and says, “Mike, I’ve got a test for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”

    The CFO stammers for twenty minutes before asking for 24 hours to “research” it. He panics and calls Warren Buffet. “Sir, quick question: Your father’s son, but not your brother. Who is it?”

    Buffet sighs. “It’s me, Mike.”

    Mike runs to his boss, all proud. “Sir! I have the answer! It’s Warren Buffet!”

    John slams his desk. “No, you idiot! It’s David’s finance guy!”

  • Ctrl Situation

    Ctrl Situation

    WORLD OF ENGINEERING

    Ctrl Situation

  • Boss Notices Tom’s Perfect Timing Problem

    Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

    Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

    “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

    “That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

  • Mike’s Perfect Exit Strategy

    The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

    When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”

    “My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”