Sweet Home Alabama vs Sweet Caroline… White People… Me: Sweet Child O Mine
Delivery Style: comparative
Comparative joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Back In My Day Hippies
BaCk iN mY DaY wE WeReN’t sO eAsiLy oFfEndEd
Back in your day: LONG HAIR IS COMMUNISM STOP HIPPIES MARCH OF THE CHRIST MOVE THEM HIPPIES NORTH
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
15. Strawberry flavoring provides no actual nutrients.
14. Caution: Your partner may become unwilling to purchase the cow when milk is plentiful and free of charge.
13. Help! I’m trapped in a condom factory in Hong Kong.
12. Do not use if already semen-filled.
11. Will not prevent the endless ridicule from best friends who saw you leaving the bar with the mustached woman shortly before closing time.
10. Caution: Sheep have been known to bite.
9. Training wheels not included, Quick-Draw McGraw.
8. Expires: 4/1/07. Hell, you might as well just throw this away now, Sparky.
7. After closing time at the bar, some settling may occur.
6. Use of this product outside the holy sacrament of marriage may cause eternal suffering in hell. Just saying.
5. Warning: Object in condom may be substantially smaller than wearer claims.
4. “Reservoir” tip is a naming convention only and not meant to describe actual holding capacity.
3. Does not protect against cucumber aphids.
2. Personally Inspected by John Ashcroft.
1. Caution: Always keep in a moist, dark place.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
My Boss Is Like a Fine Wine
My boss is like a fine wine. All I want to do is drive a corkscrew into him but my co-workers keep saying, “Not yet, let’s wait for a special occasion.”
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Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.
14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.
13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.
12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.
11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”
10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.
9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.
8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.
7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.
6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.
5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.
4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.
3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”
2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”
1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
15. You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”
14. Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
13. Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
12. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
11. Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”10. The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
9. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.
8. There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
7. You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.
6. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”
5. After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.
4. There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
3. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
2. Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.
1. Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
