Delivery Style: comparative

Comparative joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

    The Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

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    15. Double your measure, double your gun

    14. Share a stick with the one you love

    13. Just like the Cubs at Wrigley Field, you, too, will be able to play at night!

    12. The flavor that never lets you down

    11. We put the “spear” in “spearmint”

    10. Double your pleasure, double your fun, halve your whining about how it’s never happened before

    9. Chew it all the way home

    8. New Wrigley’s Viagra gum: We bring your thing to life

    7. Time for the seven-inch stretch!

    6. Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

    5. Have *you* had a stick lately?

    4. Hey old man, wanna piece of candy?

    3. Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists as an effective way to fill cavities

    2. Forget the flavor — *you’ll* be like a bedpost overnight

    1. It’s Wrigidly Delicious!

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Chapters in Sex for Dummies

    The Top 16 Chapters in “Sex for Dummies”

    16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners

    15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

    14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position

    13. Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

    12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps

    11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People

    10. Chapter 4: No, You Don’t *Actually* Blow

    9. Stop Masturbating, She’s Real!

    8. You’re Britney, I’m Strom: Introduction to Role Playing

    7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

    6. Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass

    5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions

    4. “Alternate” Lifestyles: Pokeman?

    3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

    2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

    1. Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation

    The Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation

    16. Lap-based web browsing

    15. Gettin’ some air nookie

    14. Wrangling the invertebrate serpent

    13. Tango Con Mano

    12. Jostling your Elder

    11. Ruminating & Pondering

    10. Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend

    9. Releasing the hostages

    8. Tickling your Elmo

    7. Fixing the Hubble

    6. Putting the seminal luge team through their paces

    5. Carnal Tunnel Syndrome

    4. Beda-testing the hardware

    3. Downloading from your own website

    2. Evicting the testicular squatters

    1. Manually Increasing the Surface Temperature of the Ship’s Primary Cannon by Repeated Linear Manipulation

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Spain and Portugal Fit Like a Glove

    Continental drift is no mere theory; it is fact. Forget about trying to fit Africa and South America together — just look at how Spain’s jagged western border fits Portugal’s jagged eastern border like a glove. Coincidence? Please.

  • Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

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    16. “But officer, she asked for directions!”

    15. You’re the only guy at your gym who’s got a French manicure between his legs.

    14. Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.

    13. Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.

    12. “Not tonight, baby — I’ve got a hangnail.”

    11. Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.

    10. Your rabbi is also your manicurist.

    9. A few words into your “I did not have sexual relations” finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.

    8. Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.

    7. You now get arrested for giving someone the finger — even in New York City.

    6. Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.

    5. Aunt Norma won’t let you play “Chopsticks” at the family reunion anymore.

    4. You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.

    3. Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.

    2. Your nose-picking habit is cured — and your belly button is squeaky clean!

    1. “With this ring I thee– HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp

    The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp

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    14. Your name: John
    Your brother’s name: John
    Your other brother’s name: John
    Your sister’s name: Trixie

    13. Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”

    12. Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.

    11. Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.

    10. Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”

    9. When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”

    8. Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.

    7. After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”

    6. Charlie Sheen is your godfather.

    5. You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.

    4. His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”

    3. Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.

    2. Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?

    1. Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

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    16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”

    15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”

    14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”

    13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”

    12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”

    11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”

    10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”

    9. “I have early-onset onanism.”

    8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”

    7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”

    6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”

    5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”

    4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”

    3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”

    2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”

    1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Worst Movie Quotes to Utter During Sex

    The Top 16 Worst Movie Quotes to Utter During Sex

    16. “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night!”

    15. “All I wanna do is go the distance.”

    14. “I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself.”

    13. “It’s not a tumor!”

    12. “I feel the need… the need for speed.”

    11. “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. It does this whenever it’s told.”

    10. “My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!”

    9. “Say ‘hello’ to my little friend.”

    8. “At that speed, will you be able to pull out in time?”

    7. “We’re gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.”

    6. “I can’t hold ‘er anymore, Cap’n!”

    5. “And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.”

    4. “I call him ‘Mini-Me.’”

    3. “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious.”

    2. “Look, man, I ain’t fallin’ for no banana in my tailpipe!”

    1. “That’ll do, pig.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 14 Dream Wrestling Matches

    The Top 14 Dream Wrestling Matches

    14. Michael “The Glove” Jackson -vs- George “The Hand” Michael

    13. Bob “Hacksaw” Villa -vs- Martha “Doily Queen” Stewart

    12. “The First Lady” -vs- “The Most Recent Lady”

    11. Edward Scissorhands -vs- John Bobbit

    10. Carrot Top -vs- Bugs Bunny

    9. Drescher -vs- Gottfried — in a Zero-Contact Whine-a-thon Death Cage Match!

    8. Arnold Schwarzenegger -vs- The English Language

    7. Pat “Captain Vanilla” Sajak -vs- Alex “Oh, I’m Sorry” Trebek

    6. Bill “The Adulterer” Clinton -vs- Bill “The Atoner” Clinton

    5. Monica “Hummer” Lewinsky -vs- Orrin “We Still Call it Sodomy in This State” Hatch

    4. The Norelco Santa -vs- The Mach3 Studmuffin

    3. Vanilla Ice -vs- The Crips

    2. Ron “McBigfoot” McDonald -vs- Colonel “Open A Can o’ Whup-Ass” Sanders

    1. The predominately female and nearly naked “Baywatch” cast -vs- The predominately male and socially awkward Top5 contributors

    [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 13 Surprises in Victorias Secrets New Spring Line

    The Top 13 Surprises in Victoria’s Secret’s New Spring Line

    13. New “Victor’s Secret” line

    12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.

    11. Company’s efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.

    10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the “Rodman Collection” and get a free tattoo!

    9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.

    8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.

    7. Every wear you look — corduroy!

    6. The “Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria’s Secret Catalogue?” junior bra and panty set.

    5. New “Wedge-o-matic” discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.

    4. Damn near everything in the new “Monica” line is Scotch-Guarded.

    3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.

    2. New Teletubbies bras — because it’s never too early to screw up a young girl’s self image.

    1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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