Delivery Style: comparative

Comparative joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Advice for Yankees Moving South

    Advice for Yankees Moving South

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

    2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.

    3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

    6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

    7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

    8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

    9. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

    10. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

    11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    12. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

    13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

    14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

    17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

    19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

    20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

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  • 45 Pounds vs 45 Minutes

    We all know the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is 45 pounds, but…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
    A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

    Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
    A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

    Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
    A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

    Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
    A: Spits out the feathers.

    Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
    A: Humpme Dumpme.

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  • Which Feels Better Your Ear or Your Finger

    A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

    The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

    “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this — when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better — your ear or your finger?”

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  • Woman BJ Etiquette Rules and Mens Response

    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men’s Response)

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    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.

    3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.

    4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.

    5. My ears are NOT handles.

    6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on you?

    7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

    8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.

    9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls! If you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get B. J. often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

    Man’s reply to Woman’s B. J. Etiquette

    1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

    3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?

    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it & be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.

    5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won’t have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth…because you won’t have any.

    6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the smell off your breath we would stick around afterward.

    7. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.

    8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

    9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

    10. At least there is no danger of bleeding in your mouth.

    11. Play with the balls.

    12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.

    13. B. Js are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

    14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.

    15. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.

    16. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

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  • You Know Youre a Whore When

    You Know You’re a Whore When……

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
    2. Arsenio touches your knee.
    3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
    4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
    5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
    6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
    7. The EPA comes looking for you.
    8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
    9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
    10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
    11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
    12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
    13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
    14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
    15. When they change your # to 976.
    16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
    17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
    18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
    19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
    20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
    21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
    22. When you get haemorrhoids on your shoulders.
    23. When getting dressed is not part of your day.
    24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
    25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
    26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
    27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
    28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
    29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
    30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
    31. On the golf course, you’re afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
    32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
    33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
    34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
    35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
    36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
    37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
    38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
    39. When sunlight scares you.
    40. When your favourite quote is “next please”.
    41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
    42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
    43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
    44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
    45. When everyone refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
    46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
    47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
    48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
    49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
    50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
    51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”.
    52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
    53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
    54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
    55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
    56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
    57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
    58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
    59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
    60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.

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  • I Still Have Mine

    Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

    Johnny’s father replied, “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

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  • Disney Or Jerry Springer

    Disney Or Jerry Springer

    When someone asks about your family and you’re trying to decide if you should tell them the Disney or Jerry Springer version.

    Crystallowerycomedy on fb

  • Tooth Fairy Wood Coins

    Tooth Fairy Wood Coins

    Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix

    Child: The Tooth Fairy left me three dollars!

    Me: When I was a kid the Tooth Fairy would leave us coins.

    Child: Were they made of wood?

    Me:

    Child:

    Me: The Tooth Fairy isn’t real.

    5:36 AM · 7/26/20 · Twitter for iPad

  • Stevie Wonder Child Support

    Stevie Wonder Child Support

    You think your life is bad, Stevie Wonder paying 25K a month in child support, for some kids he ain’t NEVER SEEN..

  • Junkie Punching Bag

    Junkie Punching Bag

    You see a junkie. They see a daughter.

    You see a choice. They see a disease.

    You see hopeless. They see helpless.

    I see a 20 dollar blow job and a punching bag.