Comparative joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
14. Rum DMC
13. Cuervo Gold Tooth
12. MC Hammered
11. Harvey Gangbanger
10. Singapore Bling
9. 2-Pack Liqueur
8. Sloe Gin Fizzizzle Shanizzle
7. Gin and Chronic
6. Old Dirty Plastered
5. R. Kelly’s Sex on the Playground
4. Notorious V.S.O.P.
3. J.Lo Shots
2. Sex on the Beyotch
1. That Pink Sh*t with the Umbrella an’ Sh*t
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women (or Men).
Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I’m as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming “TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.
15. Harvey Ballbuster
14. Gin & Colonic
13. Slow Uncomfortable Spew
12. Scabby Mary
11. Sullen Masturbation on the Beach
10. Wrung-Out Bar Rag on the Rocks with a Twist
9. Bloody Navel
8. Blatant Reference to Sexual Activity
7. The Slutmaker
6. Sloe Comfortable Screw Up Against a Wall in Cancun Next to a Fat Dude Named Ramon Who Keeps Flicking Matches at Some Kids Poking a Dead Rat with a Stick They Found Underneath a ’57 T-Bird with a Dead Prostitute in the Trunk
5. Long Island Iced Pee
4. Screaming Hangover
3. Buttery Pimple
2. Elian on the Beach
1. Sex with Your Wife
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2001 by Chris White
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. A frigid beer is good.
3. A beer doesn’t care when you come home.
4. When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
5. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
6. A beer never gets a headache.
7. If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
8. You can share a beer with a friend.
9. You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.
10. A beer is always wet.
11. You can have a beer in public.
12. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
13. A beer doesn’t get pregnant.
14. A beer doesn’t have parents.
15. You can say whatever you want to a beer.
16. A beer doesn’t care if you are late.
17. And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
13. Whenever the urge to submit to your addiction strikes, sing Barney songs until pummeled beyond recognition.
12. Humbly ask God to remove all character flaws and about five inches from our thighs, hips and buttocks.
11. Toast to your success!
10. Blame the friggin’ wife for spending all my hard-earned money, for chrissake!
9. First step: Ask her out and treat her like a lady.
8. Do a shot of tequila every time someone says “codependent.”
7. First, you must admit to everyone you know that you have “this friend” who has a problem.
6. Come clean about that Chappaquiddick thing, for cryin’ out loud.
5. Put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.
4. Admit that feng shui cannot in any way compensate for daily physiological counseling.
3. Give yourself over to a higher power — but first, take off all your clothes and have a seat in the Oval Office.
2. Steps five through seven: Lick it, suck it, slam it.
1. Complete the program by standing in front of your support group and shouting, “I’m cured, you bunch of losers!”
14. Management reserves the right to beat senseless anyone suggesting we get a karaoke machine.
13. No stirring someone else’s drink with your buffalo wing bones.
12. True happiness only. Satisfaction, beatitude, and gruntlement are not acceptable.
11. Friday drink special: $2 “Sex Out Of Reach” shots.
10. Make sure your Secret Service henchmen hide your empties from Laura.
9. Anyone who’s not happy will be beaten with pool cues until they become happy.
8. When falling off your chair, do not block aisles to the jukebox or restroom.
7. We welcome our NRA and Girl Scout drinking buddies!
6. Strict five-drink limit means somewhere around twelve to fifteen drinks.
5. Absolutely no Sally Struthers.
4. Good bar trick: Tying a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue.
Bad bar trick: Unzipping your pants using only your tongue.
3. Designated drivers drink free all night!
2. Calculating the value of pi on your cocktail napkin beyond thirty-two decimal places won’t leave room to write the phone number of the girl you’re trying to impre— Hey! Where’d she go?
1. Confusing, hard-to-read signs on the restroom doors to be replaced with schematics of appropriate genitalia.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2001 by Chris White
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
“Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
You keep asking your wife “where are the kids?” but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Had your “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”
Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!
Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bob Dole starts to make sense.
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof.
Vampires get woozy after biting you.
The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
When vomiting becomes a relief.
Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk — left, right, stumble, fall.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.
Hi occifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.
Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
No occifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober.
Problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down… no problem.
If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
Take me drunk, I’m home!
The bottle’s empty… that’s the problem!
You find yourself as the captain of the Exxon Valdez.
You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
You drink to get over a hangover.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.
The whisky ain’t working anymore.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
I’m as jober as a sudge!
You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
Newt Gingrich… he’s soooo sexy.
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or two.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at a hundred yards.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
