16. Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.
15. September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, “Don’t worry, Barbara, I’ll pull out.”
13. Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.
12. “Look, Tom, we’ll keep the ‘endowed by their Creator’ part as is, but that ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of beer’ part needs work.”
11. It prevented the extinction of ugly people.
10. Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create the world’s first Dave & Buster’s.
9. The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.
8. March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand-new uniform for his “Hot Dog On A Stick” employees.
7. How else was Joseph gonna believe that “but I’m still a virgin” story?
6. Bartholomew: “Aww, BOGUS! I totally left the Master’s Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget everything!”
Luke: “Don’t sweat it, Dude. The Grail’ll turn up.”
5. There’s a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.
4. Fifteenth-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travel when hit by a broomstick.
3. “Hey, Adolph, I hear Poland has good beer.”
2. July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is “less filling.”
1. If the Dutch hadn’t brought that pre-dealmaking keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those twenty-four dollars’ worth of beads wouldn’t have looked so appealing.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White
