Delivery Style: misdirection

  • The Weekend Hunter and the Swollen Eye

    A man leaves for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home afterward, he spends the entire weekend hunting with his buddies and blows his whole paycheck.

    When he finally gets home Sunday night, his wife is furious. She spends the next two hours giving him an earful.

    Finally, she asks, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

    He replies, “That’d be fine with me.”

    Monday comes and goes, and he doesn’t see his wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday pass with the same result.

    By Thursday, the swelling has gone down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.

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  • Meeting the Parents and the Dog Named Rover

    A young man visits his girlfriend’s house and meets her parents for the first time. He feels a massive urge to pass gas, so he lets a small, quiet one out. The father immediately yells, “Rover!”

    Thinking the dog took the blame, the man feels bold and lets out a second, louder rip. The father glares and shouts again, “ROVER!”

    Encouraged that his secret is safe, the man lets loose a massive, loud, stinky blast.

    The father yells, “ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU!”

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  • Killing a Huge Mouse at Disneyland

    Killing a Huge Mouse at Disneyland

    Me: *Kills a huge mouse with a baseball bat*

    Everyone else at Disneyland:

  • Balcony Popsicle Neighbourhood Watch

    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

    “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

    “An ambulance just drove by!”

    “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

    “Matt’s riding a new bike!”

    “Looks like the Sandersons are moving!”

    “Jason is on his skateboard!”

    After a few moments he announced,

    “The Coopers are having sex!!”

    Startled, his mother and father shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,

    “How do you know they’re having sex?”

    “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

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  • Injured playing peekaboo

    Last week, I was injured pretty badly playing a game of peekaboo. They had to put me in the ICU.

  • Overnight Flight Lavatory

    A man and a woman are on board of the plane of an overnight flight.

    “Looks like everyone’s asleep, let’s go…”

    Sound of footsteps.

    “There’s a free one right there. No one’s looking, you go in first.”

    “It’s a bit tight… let me sit down. Did you bring a condom? Put it on, quick!”

    Loud heavy breathing.

    “Oh, my god… it’s amazing.”

    A long, drawn-out sigh.

    A hissing sound over the intercom, followed by a voice: “This is the captain speaking. I am addressing the two passengers who have locked themselves in the rear lavatory. We know what you’re doing in there, and it is strictly prohibited by airline regulations. Ditch the cigarettes and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

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  • Priests at a Police Checkpoint

    Two priests are driving down the highway and they come across a police checkpoint. They roll the window down as the officer walks up to the car.

    The officer leans into the car window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

    The priests look at each other for a moment then turn back to the officer and say, “We’ll do it.”

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  • Parents Find S&M Gear in Son’s Room

    A mother and father are digging through their son’s room looking for drugs. The father finds a box full of leather, chains, and S&M magazines.

    Mother: Oh my god! What do we do?

    Father: Whatever you do, don’t fucking spank him.

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  • Locking Your Keys in Your Car at an Abortion Clinic

    What’s more embarrassing than locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

  • Cameron Diaz Colonoscopy

    Doctor: You need to get a colonoscopy
    Me: What’s that?
    Doctor: It’s a…