Delivery Style: misdirection

I know they say that when it comes to sex, “a hole is a hole,”

I know they say that when it comes to sex, “a hole is a hole,” but it’s been a week now and my wife still hasn’t gotten her hearing back.
Those taking the similes quiz at home will remember we asked you

Those taking the similes quiz at home will remember we asked you to finish the following: a) As old as _____. b) As heavy as _____. c) As cold as _____. The correct answers are as follows: a) shit. b) shit. c) fuck.
I wish my blind date hadn’t told me he was a poultry farmer,

I wish my blind date hadn’t told me he was a poultry farmer, because now I feel compelled to keep checking out his cock.
I didn’t mean to give the old man a heart attack, but I could’ve

I didn’t mean to give the old man a heart attack, but I could’ve sworn he screamed at me to get off ON his lawn.
I enjoy orgasms. So sue me. No, really — sue me, I haven’t

I enjoy orgasms. So sue me. No, really — sue me, I haven’t
I guess I’ll just have to come to grips with the fact that, no

I guess I’ll just have to come to grips with the fact that, no matter how funny *I* think it is, my wife will never appreciate it when I let a few chocolate chips melt in my hand and ask her where the toilet paper is.
My boyfriend’s diabetes is so bad that when I dressed as Candy

My boyfriend’s diabetes is so bad that when I dressed as Candy the Stripper for Halloween, he refused to eat me.
How did the phrase “balls to the wall” come to mean doing

How did the phrase “balls to the wall” come to mean doing something very quickly? ‘Cause if they were my balls, I guarantee you I would be moving much, much slower.
The problem with having a Smurf fetish is that once you’ve seen

The problem with having a Smurf fetish is that once you’ve seen one blue pussy, you’ve seen them all.
I like using the iPhone to send pictures of myself totally nude

I like using the iPhone to send pictures of myself totally nude to my boyfriend, but the lighting in these Apple stores sucks.