If hell is having to watch your worst decisions over and over forever, I really hope they give you a better judgment system than you had when you made those decisions. If they don’t, they’ll have to sit and explain to you why you were wrong. And chances are they still won’t get through to you. Then they’ll have to think up some new punishment. Probably something involving bees.
Delivery Style: observational
Observational joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Top 13 Signs You’re a Man Trapped in a Woman’s Body (Part II)
13. Three drinks into the bachelorette party, you’ve got a bridesmaid in a headlock telling her how much you love her.
12. If you can locate the sink in under two minutes, the bathroom is clean enough.
11. You’re having trouble grasping the concept of “too much porn.”
10. Late to your wedding because of wardrobe issues? No. Feeling overly emotional? Hardly. Wouldn’t stop to ask for directions? Bingo.
9. Even though it’s only for men, you take Levitra because Ditka’s word is gospel.
8. You use a glue gun to make sure the toilet seat stays up.
7. You constantly scratch your crotch and “adjust” yourself to get comfortable — in line at Starbucks.
6. You just can’t seem to watch Baywatch with your mouth closed.
5. You’re the only woman in the office who heads to the restroom with a full coffee mug and the USA Today sports section.
4. Your friends find you drunk in the restroom yelling, “Show us yer tits!” at the lavatory mirror.
3. Those tiny bits of chaw stuck in your lipstick.
2. You have a fine appreciation for the subtle genius and brilliant comic timing that is Andrew Dice Clay.
And Topfive.com’s number one sign you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body…
1. You haven’t been invited for a girls’ night out since your infamous “farting the alphabet” incident.
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Top 12 Things We Are Most Thankful for This Year
12. Urinal-water-resistant phone cases.
11. Being picked for the “Survivor” series filming over the remainder of the Presidential Primary season.
10. Toilet paper without pieces of bark in it.
9. Black Friday retailers who arm their staff with Tasers.
8. My wife for giving me a new AR-15 after my old one was taken from me in an armed robbery.
7. That there are six degrees of separation between me and Charlie Sheen.
6. I would show you how thankful I am for the Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year, but emojis don’t work here.
5. Terrorism and refugee crises put in perspective by students protesting certain Halloween costumes.
4. “Relaxed fit” Jeggings!
3. With the presidential election still a year away, 12 more months of Trump jokes!
2. Lube and needle-nose pliers. Please don’t ask why.
And the number one thing we’re most thankful for this year…
1. The love, patience, and understanding of my fam… [snort]… [chuckle]… sorry. Couldn’t say it with a straight face. CRONUTS, baby! Cronuts are friggin’ AWESOME!
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Turns out that is 9:30 pm
When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:30 p.m. I couldn’t wait to be a grown-up so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.
Turns out that is 9:30 p.m.
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CB Lingo 201
I would think the hardest part of truck-driving school is CB Lingo 201. You know, the second year, where everything you say in class has to be in CB.
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Top 14 Recent Headlines You May Have Missed
The Top 14 Recent Headlines You May Have Missed
14) Alec Baldwin is out for six weeks after spraining his brain doing a Trump impression.
13) Experts say some of the people can be fooled all of the time.
12) Army Corps declares tribal casino the best site for a pipeline crossing.
11) Newly sentient computer commits suicide after seeing the newspaper.
10) Reduced viewership leads the NFL to introduce Assless Chaps Thursday Night Football and Catch-a-Pass/Do-a-Shot Tuesday Night Football.
9) Vera Wang changes her first name to “Huge.”
8) New Starbucks “Baby Jesus Christmas Cup” infuriates pro-Santa groups.
7) Kanye West is being treated in a psychiatric hospital for behaving like Kanye West.
6) Dolly Parton’s sales sag, but not as much as her other assets.
5) The War on Christmas is now longer than WWII, yet the U.S. is no closer to victory.
4) Well-dressed homeless guy shouting on a corner is actually Mel Gibson.
3) Canada closes its borders to stave off an influx of Hollywood refugees.
2) Pregame anthem protests intensify during National Accordion Week.
And the #1 recent headline you may have missed…
1) Keith Richards continues to defy 2016: “C’mon, ya pussy, do yer worst!”
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Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)
The Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)
15) Suddenly every woman’s T-shirt looks like Jennifer Aniston’s.
14) Lines wrap around the block for help-wanted signs at crematoriums.
13) Bipartisan agreement emerges to relocate Trump’s inauguration to Mar-a-Lago.
12) The annual Polar Bear Club outing gets moved to the YMCA indoor pool.
11) You can see your breath and can’t wear flip-flops (Southern California only).
10) Every fire hydrant has two or three dogs stuck to it.
9) Dick Cheney’s cold, dead heart raises Wyoming’s temperature by five degrees.
8) The Kardashian clan has buttoned their blouses all the way up.
7) Climate-change deniers start scheduling their annual “Global warming, my ass!” press conferences.
6) Hillary Clinton breaks out her ice tiara.
5) You gather the family around a witch’s tit for warmth.
4) The state of Florida asks President Trump to build a wall on its northern border.
3) Ann Coulter’s heart just asked for a sweater.
2) The Devil just ordered red thermal “Make Hell Great Again” long johns.
And the #1 sign it’s too F*#king cold…
1) Junior just chipped his milk teeth on your wife’s nipples.
