Delivery Style: observational

Observational joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 14 Recent Headlines You May Have Missed

    The Top 14 Recent Headlines You May Have Missed

    14) Alec Baldwin is out for six weeks after spraining his brain doing a Trump impression.

    13) Experts say some of the people can be fooled all of the time.

    12) Army Corps declares tribal casino the best site for a pipeline crossing.

    11) Newly sentient computer commits suicide after seeing the newspaper.

    10) Reduced viewership leads the NFL to introduce Assless Chaps Thursday Night Football and Catch-a-Pass/Do-a-Shot Tuesday Night Football.

    9) Vera Wang changes her first name to “Huge.”

    8) New Starbucks “Baby Jesus Christmas Cup” infuriates pro-Santa groups.

    7) Kanye West is being treated in a psychiatric hospital for behaving like Kanye West.

    6) Dolly Parton’s sales sag, but not as much as her other assets.

    5) The War on Christmas is now longer than WWII, yet the U.S. is no closer to victory.

    4) Well-dressed homeless guy shouting on a corner is actually Mel Gibson.

    3) Canada closes its borders to stave off an influx of Hollywood refugees.

    2) Pregame anthem protests intensify during National Accordion Week.

    And the #1 recent headline you may have missed…

    1) Keith Richards continues to defy 2016: “C’mon, ya pussy, do yer worst!”

  • Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)

    The Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)

    15) Suddenly every woman’s T-shirt looks like Jennifer Aniston’s.

    14) Lines wrap around the block for help-wanted signs at crematoriums.

    13) Bipartisan agreement emerges to relocate Trump’s inauguration to Mar-a-Lago.

    12) The annual Polar Bear Club outing gets moved to the YMCA indoor pool.

    11) You can see your breath and can’t wear flip-flops (Southern California only).

    10) Every fire hydrant has two or three dogs stuck to it.

    9) Dick Cheney’s cold, dead heart raises Wyoming’s temperature by five degrees.

    8) The Kardashian clan has buttoned their blouses all the way up.

    7) Climate-change deniers start scheduling their annual “Global warming, my ass!” press conferences.

    6) Hillary Clinton breaks out her ice tiara.

    5) You gather the family around a witch’s tit for warmth.

    4) The state of Florida asks President Trump to build a wall on its northern border.

    3) Ann Coulter’s heart just asked for a sweater.

    2) The Devil just ordered red thermal “Make Hell Great Again” long johns.

    And the #1 sign it’s too F*#king cold…

    1) Junior just chipped his milk teeth on your wife’s nipples.

  • Three Pints for Brotherhood!

    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn’t you rather I draw fresh pints for you one at a time?”

    The fellow replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in America and the other in Australia. When we all left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

    The fellow becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers.

    When the fellow goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

    The fellow looks confused for a moment, then he laughs and says, “Oh, no, everyone’s fine. I’ve just given up beer for Lent.”

  • It definitely wouldn’t be this one

    I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.

    He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”

    Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”

  • Well, that didn’t work

    My wife and I were discussing our eventual deaths…

    I said my worst fear was dying alone, and that I wanted the last thing I hear to be her telling me she loves me.

    She gave me a big hug, said, “I love you,” and then waited.

    After a couple of seconds, she shook her head and said, “Well, that didn’t work.”

  • Beating the Grades: Dad’s Warning!

    Johnny went up to his teacher’s desk with a big red F on his report card. Johnny says to his teacher, “If I were you, I would change this while you can!”

    The teacher says, “Why is that?”

    “My dad said that if I come home with any more failing report cards, someone is going to get a beating.”

  • It was OK

    I recently visited a U.S. state north of Texas and south of Kansas.
    It wasn’t great… but it was OK.

  • When Poetry Fails: Johnny’s Unique Strategy

    Little Johnny was in school and his English teacher had the students write short poems.

    When everyone was done, she asked the students to read them for the class.

    Little Jeremy: “I took a walk down by the lake and there I saw a long brown snake.”

    Very good Jeremy!

    Little Susie: “My oh my! I looked to the sky, and there I saw a butterfly.”

    Very good Susie!

    Little Johnny: “I couldn’t think of one.”

    Teacher. “You go out in the hall and let me know once you do!”

    Little Johnny goes and sits in the hall. He’s looking around and figures one out.

    He jestures to the teacher who comes and asks him what his poem is.

    “As I sat out in the hall, a big cockroach ran up the wall.”

    The teacher wasn’t pleased, because she knew Johnny just loved slipping in curse words, but said “Ok, but leave cock out of it.”

    Little Johnny comes back in front of the class and reads his poem:

    “As I sat out in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall. With his cock out!”