When I die I hope people will remember me as a kind person who would always make time to help those less fortunate than myself. I figure my best chance for that happening is if they confuse me with someone other guy who looked a lot like me.
Delivery Style: One-liner
One-liner joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I allowed my young son to dress himself yesterday and was amused as he paired a giraffe
I allowed my young son to dress himself yesterday and was amused as he paired a giraffe top with an elephant bottom. The fun stopped later, though, when I was arrested and charged with Garanimal cruelty.
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Nothing ends a blind date faster than when you’re walking through the park and you
Nothing ends a blind date faster than when you’re walking through the park and you exclaim, “Ooooh! Stray earbud!”
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I object to the term X-ray.
I object to the term X-ray. It’s taking the “Christ” out of “Christ-ray.”
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Some guys just don’t know when to quit.
Some guys just don’t know when to quit. Personally, I’ve found that Thursdays work best for me. That way you can just pick up your last check on Friday and have a three-day weekend.
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With apologies to the adage-quoting visitors who keep interrupting my morphine haze, I’m
With apologies to the adage-quoting visitors who keep interrupting my morphine haze, I’m not sure exactly how getting brained by a concrete block and tumbling from atop fifteen feet of scaffolding is supposed to “make me stronger.”
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No one ever threatens to prosecute somebody to half the extent of the law — it’s always
No one ever threatens to prosecute somebody to half the extent of the law — it’s always the full extent. Some department store should only prosecute shoplifters to 90% of the extent of the law. It would be good PR: It would show the community that while they may be tough on shoplifters, they still have a heart.
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Suddenly there are all these reality TV shows about people with dozens of kids and how
Suddenly there are all these reality TV shows about people with dozens of kids and how they manage to go about their days. Shouldn’t at least one of them be called “The Eighteenth Century”?
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I’m no physicist, but I’ll bet that in the fourth dimension, “thinking outside the
I’m no physicist, but I’ll bet that in the fourth dimension, “thinking outside the tesseract” is physically impossible.
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I think I could be a Jedi, but so far, I can only get the Force to work on grocery-
I think I could be a Jedi, but so far, I can only get the Force to work on grocery- store doors and hand-towel dispensers.
