Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

A Week Of Names

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Saturday: Ian
Sunday: Greg

The Gregorian Calendar.

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A Walk Past The Restaurant

A Scotsman and his wife are walking past a restaurant. The wife says, “Did you smell that food? It smells absolutely incredible!”

The Scotsman thinks, “What the hell, it is her birthday.”

So they walked past it again.

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My Grandfather’s Last Words

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash Chaos

“Stop shaking the ladder, you fucking twat!”

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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Every Time I Drink Coffee

A guy goes to a doctor and says, “Every time I drink coffee I get a stabbing pain in my eye!”

The doctor says, “Take the spoon out of your cup.”

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Calling In Sick

A guy calls in sick to work. His boss doesn’t believe him and calls him back.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash Chaos

The boss says, “You don’t sound sick.”

The guy answers, “I’m in bed fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

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ISIS Training Camp and a Pakistani Elementary School

What’s the difference between an ISIS training camp and a Pakistani elementary school?
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash Chaos

I don’t know, man, I just fly the drone.

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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
The Teaspoon

The invention of the teaspoon caused quite a stir.
As Close As I’m Allowed to Get

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders. But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.