Why is a double amputee happier than an able-bodied person?
Because they never start off on the wrong foot.
Delivery Style: question and answer
Question and answer joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Engineering Interview
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?
Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
Interviewer: Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this —“~~”—, OK. DC comes straight, like this ——————————, and the capacitor stops it. But AC goes UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!
Interviewer: What is a step-up transformer?
Student: A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.
Interviewer (smiling): And then what is a step-down transformer?
Student (hesitantly): Uh — a transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?
Interviewer (pouncing): Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?
Interviewer (impatiently): Well?
Student (triumphantly): A stepless transformer, sir!
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Engineer Humor
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. -
Never Misses a Period
What quality does the best secretary in the world have?
She never misses a period.
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Application for Employment
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30–3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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Techs to Change a Light Bulb?
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy-two: One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong… Have you tried the light switch?Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine in my office.Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry standard.Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider…Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, and you’ll need a forty-eight-hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb, so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero — well, actually one: the one who told the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem. -
Devotionals For Teens
If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Own and operate a midget brothel?
Devotionals for Teens
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Pick It Up Along the Way
Do you have to have any special training to be a garbage man, or do you just pick it up along the way?
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Same Middle Name
What do Winnie the Pooh, Alexander the Great, and Andre the Giant all have in common?
Same middle name.
