Delivery Style: unexpected twist

  • Can I Have One of That Too

    A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

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    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

    The Irishman, holding his drink tight, looked at the attendant and said, “Can I have one of that too.”

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  • Talking to a Fucking Wall

    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

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    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    “Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”

    “Morris Fishbein,” he replied.

    “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

    “For about 60 years.”

    “60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

    “I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

    “How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

    “Like I’m talking to a fuckin’ wall.”

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  • Signing My Dogs Up for Welfare

    This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

    My dogs get their first checks Friday.

    Damn, this is a great country.

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  • It’s Rust

    After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

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    “Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”

    “Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”

    “It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”

    “Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”

    The man seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”

    “Well, there you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”

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  • Multitasking

    My wife told me women can multitask better than men…

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    I said to her, “No, they can’t, and I can prove it.”

    She said, “OK, prove it.”

    I said, “Shut the fuck up, and cook my breakfast.”

    She couldn’t do either one.

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  • Meals on Wheels

    A cat passed away after a long, happy life on a farm.

    When she arrived at Heaven’s gates, God welcomed her and said, “You were a good cat. Anything you want — just ask.”

    The cat thought for a moment and said, “Well… I always slept on cold, hard floors. I would love a big, soft pillow.”

    “Say no more,” God replied.

    POOF! The cat now had the fluffiest pillow she had ever seen.

    A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic accident and arrived at Heaven together.

    God met them at the gates and asked what they would like.

    The mice said, “All our lives we had to run from cats, dogs — even broomsticks! If we could have little roller skates, we’d never have to run again!”

    God smiled…

    POOF! Six happy mice skating around Heaven in style.

    About a week later, God stopped by to check on the cat. She was curled up on her pillow, sleeping like royalty.

    “Hello, my child,” God said softly. “How are you enjoying Heaven?”

    The cat stretched, purred, and said, “Oh, it’s wonderful! The pillow is perfect… and those little ‘Meals on Wheels’ you keep sending over are delicious!”

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  • I Don’t Know How I’m Going to Pay You

    The young man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He just had to kiss her and touch her body and…

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    One day, he plucked up the courage to speak to her. “I think you’re so gorgeous, if I paid you $250, would you come into the storeroom with me so that I can kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body?”

    Now the girl liked money a lot, so she agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next 10 minutes, he showered her with kisses, unbuttoning her blouse and ravishing her breasts, but all the time, he kept murmuring, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”

    Eventually, she asked, “Why do you keep saying ‘I don’t know’?”

    “Well, I don’t know how I’m going to pay you.”

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  • The Glitter Washcloth

    I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

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    Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

    So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

    I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

    I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

    After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal… some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

    I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

    She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

    Never going back to that doctor again… never.

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  • I Thought She Was an American

    At an isolated part of the beach at Cannes, a beautiful, young French girl threw herself into the sea. A young man off at a distance witnessed it and dashed into the water to save her. Unfortunately, he was too late. He brought the semi-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he went to report the drowning. When he returned, he was horrified to discover a man making love to the corpse.

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    “Monsieur!” he exclaimed. “That woman is dead!”

    “Sacré bleu!” exclaimed the man, jumping up. “I thought she was an American!”

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  • A Talking Pig

    A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

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    She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’”

    The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”

    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, fuck me! A talking pig!’”

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