Delivery Style: unexpected twist

  • Ask the Auctioneer If They Were All With the Same Cow

    A couple went to an agricultural show on a fine Sunday afternoon and were watching the bull auction.

    The auctioneer announced, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year.”

    The wife nudged her husband and said, “See! That was more than once a week!”

    The second bull was brought up and the auctioneer said, “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

    Again the wife nudged her husband. “Hey, that’s more than twice a week. What do you say to that?”

    Her husband, getting really annoyed, still said nothing.

    The third bull was brought up, and the auctioneer announced, “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”

    The wife slapped her husband on the arm and shouted, “That’s once a day every day of the year! How about you?”

    Her husband yelled back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But, ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”

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  • The Secret Confessional

    One day I was talking to an acquaintance at church. He brought up the “secret confessional.” I was confused, and explained I had no clue what he was talking about.

    “Oh, well,” he explained, “you see, if you go to the Church’s basement to the confessional and say the secret code, the parish priest will stand up, leave the priest’s compartment, and walk away. Stay put. In a few minutes, you’ll hear a woman open the door to the priest’s compartment. She’ll come inside, then open a latch at about waist height revealing a hole between the two compartments. Then, she’ll put her mouth at the end of the hole and… well, you get the rest.”

    “This is ridiculous! Why would a church ever allow that? How did you find out? Come to think of it, there’s no visibility between compartments — how do you know it’s a woman?”

    “I mean… c’mon, it’s a church for crying out loud. They’re not gonna allow any gay stuff.”

    I was pretty bemused by the interaction, and went straight to the Parish Priest.

    “Father, I have to speak with you. I heard a horrible rumor about our church. Someone claims that, if you go to Confessional in the basement and say a secret code, you, Father, will leave the priest’s compartment. Next, a woman will enter soon after. She’ll then reveal a hole in the wall where she then, well, *services* the men, I suppose.”

    The priest’s eyes grow wide. He starts, “How *DARE* you make such blasphemy in the house of the Lord. This is a Catholic church, good man. We uphold the word of God here. How dare you accuse a good Christian institution of such horrid depravity. To think, one could stoop so low as to insinuate that this fine Church could commit such sin; to think. Purely disgusting. I never in a hundred years would think someone could be so brazen as to accuse this church of allowing a woman into the Priest’s side of the confessional.”

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  • I’m Your Son’s Teacher

    A man was waiting in line at the supermarket when an attractive woman walked up to him and said, “Hi there, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

    The man winced and asked, “Are you the stripper from my bachelor party I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies cheering while another stripper smacked my bare ass with a wet fish?”

    “Um, no,” the woman replied. “I’m your son’s teacher.”

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  • You’re in the Team for This Saturday

    Two 70-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives…

    When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

    One day, Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

    Joe looks up at Mike from his deathbed. “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.” Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

    At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.

    “Mike… Mike!”

    “Who is it?”

    “It’s me, Joe.”

    “Joe! Where are you?”

    “In Heaven,” replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

    “Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

    “The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!”

    “That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

    “You’re in the team for this Saturday.”

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  • Hitman School

    Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…

    Their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room, we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”

    The guy says, “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”

    The teacher says, “You don’t have what it takes to be a hitman, get out of here.”

    The teacher then does the same thing with the other guy, with the same result.

    He then takes the woman out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room, we have your husband. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill him.”

    She goes into the room, and he hears a gunshot, and then all hell breaks loose. There’s yelling and screaming plus furniture being broken. After about 15 minutes of this, the woman comes out looking dishevelled and says, “Why the hell did you put blanks in the gun? I had to beat the son-of-a-bitch to death.”

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  • Practicing Law Somewhere

    A tough lawyer is cross-examining a medical expert in court: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

    “No.”

    “Did you check for blood pressure?”

    “No.”

    “Did you check for breathing?”

    “No.”

    “So, then it is possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?”

    “No.”

    “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

    “Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.”

    “I see… But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?”

    “Yes, I suppose it’s possible that he was alive and practicing law somewhere.”

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  • Who’s Going to Believe Him

    A priest wakes up one Sunday morning to absolutely perfect golfing weather. After weeks of rain and wind, the sky is clear, the sun is shining, and there’s just the slightest breeze.

    But of course… it’s Sunday. He’s supposed to lead the service.

    On impulse, he decides to play hooky. He calls the other priest in the parish and says, “I’m not feeling well. Can you take the service today?”

    As soon as he hears the church bells ring, he sneaks out to the golf course. Nobody will see him — everyone is in church.

    Up in heaven, God and St. Peter are watching. St. Peter is outraged.

    “Lord, what are you going to do about this? He skipped church… to golf!”

    God just smiles.

    The priest steps up to the first tee, swings, and — hole in one. He’s stunned. At the second hole, he swings again — another hole in one. The ball barely touches the grass.

    St. Peter throws up his hands. “I saw that! The breeze changed right at the last second. That was YOU!”

    God still says nothing.

    At the next hole, the priest hits a terrible shot. The ball flies into the trees, hits a branch, rebounds, lands on the green, rolls in a perfect curve to the cup… circles it… rolls away… then slowly rolls BACK… and drops right in.

    St. Peter is beside himself. “Lord! He’s having the best golf game of his entire life! This is punishment?”

    God finally answers, “Tell me, Peter… who’s he going to tell? And if he does — who’s going to believe him?”

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  • Customer Complaints

    I was on a flight with my 3 kids.

    When a lady asked, “Are all those your kids?”

    I replied, “No, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints!”

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  • I Thought I Finally Found a Friend

    A priest is walking in the park heading towards his church, when he suddenly hears a man shout, “Man, I sure do love minors!”

    The priest turns around in shock and looks at the man who is talking on his phone. “Yeah! I mean you wouldn’t expect it, but they really know what they’re doing down there! They’re great at handling business!”

    The priest’s eyes widen in shock. He starts walking towards the man and is about to say something when the man goes, “Honestly dude, they deserve every penny of their salary! My company would go bankrupt if it wasn’t for those miners!”

    The priest stops, turns around and continues towards his church. At the church, the priest is visibly upset. One of the nuns finally asks him what the problem is, and the priest explains the whole story and how he misjudged the man.

    At the end, with tears in his eyes, the priest goes, “You know, I thought I finally had found a friend!”

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  • I Don’t Know How Much He Charges for Howard

    A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy about 9 opened the door.

    “Is your dad or your mum home?” asked the farmer.

    “No, they went to town,” the boy replied.

    “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

    “No, he went with mum and dad.”

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

    “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or I can give dad a message,” said the boy.

    “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant.”

    The boy thought for a moment.

    “You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

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