Format: dialogue

Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Matt Buys a Centipede

    This guy, Matt, was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

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    After some discussion Matt bought a centipede, who came complete with a cute little box to use as his house.

    Matt decided the best way to welcome his pet centipede into his life would be to take him to the local watering hole for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s place with me to have a beer?”

    There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Matt a bit. He waited a few minutes and then asked the centipede again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”

    Again, there was no answer from his new pet centipede, so he waited a few minutes more, stewing about the situation. He asked one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?”

    This time, a little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my fucking shoes!”

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  • Rover and Fifi

    Little Johnnie had a mutt named Rover. The next-door neighbor, little Susie, had a purebred poodle named Fifi. Fifi came in heat and Rover was able to get to her. Little Susie found them and couldn’t get them apart, so she called Johnnie crying about his mangy mutt ruining her prized poodle.

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    Little Johnnie came over, walked around the dogs, stuck his finger in his mouth, then stuck his finger up Rover’s backside. The dogs instantly separated and Rover ran away howling.

    Susie said, “How did you know that would work?”

    Johnnie replied, “Well, old Rover likes to dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

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  • Little Johnny in the Park

    Little Johnny is walking through the park with his father when they see two dogs going at it. Little Johnny points at the dogs and says, “Hey Pop, what’s happening?”

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    “Son, they’re making a puppy.”

    That night Little Johnny walks past his parents’ bedroom and he sees his dad giving it to his mom.

    “Hey Pop, what’s happening now?”

    “Son, we’re making you a baby brother.”

    “Yeah well, flip her over. I’d rather have a puppy!”

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  • Out with Grandmother

    A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

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    “What are they doing?” asked the girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said: “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying it to the doctor.”

    The girl thought for a moment, and then said: “They are just like people, aren’t they?”

    “What do you mean?” asked Grandma.

    “Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they will fuck you every time.”

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  • Pet-Sitting a Pair of Dogs

    A woman is pet-sitting a pair of dogs, one male and one female. In the middle of the night she awakens to a loud commotion.

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    The female had gone into heat and the male was trying to mate with her. She couldn’t get them apart and was terrified.

    She called the local veterinarian and explained what was going on.

    The vet suggested, “Take your phone and place it near the dogs. I’ll ring your phone and the ringing sound will distract the male, causing him to lose his erection. Then you will be able to separate them easily.”

    “Are you sure it will work?”

    “It just worked on me!”

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  • Two Dogs at the Vet

    Two dogs are sitting in the waiting room of the veterinary office, reading their doggie magazines.

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    The first dog turns to the second. “So what are you here for?” the first dog asks.

    “Well, you know how it is, being alone all day in a house?”

    “I suppose so…”

    “Let me tell you. When my owner comes home, I’m so excited to see her that I start humping the coffee table. She pulls me off, so I start humping the couch. She pulls me off, so I start humping my chew toy. So she brought me here to have me fixed.”

    “Oh, I see…”

    They go back to reading their doggie magazines.

    After a while, the second dog turns to the first. “So what are you here for?”

    “When my owner comes home, I’m so excited to see her that I start humping the coffee table. She pulls me off, so I start humping the couch. She pulls me off, I’m so excited that I start humping HER.”

    “So, you’re here to get fixed too?”

    “Nah, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

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  • The Man with the Headaches

    A man suffered from headaches and didn’t realize it was due to a rare condition.

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    He went to multiple doctors, all of whom couldn’t give him an explanation or a solution to the headache. After years of the same symptoms, the man finally found a doctor who could fix the situation.

    The doctor told him, “The good news is I can fix your headaches so you’ll never have them again. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, creating one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

    The man was depressed because two of the three things that made him a man will be removed. Realizing he had no other choice, he agreed to the castration.

    When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 10 years. He saw a tailor shop and thought, “A new suit is fit for a new man, and for my new beginning.”

    After entering the shop, he asked the tailor for a new suit. The tailor said, “Hmm… Looking at you, you are size 44 long.” The man, surprised, asked, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business for over 50 years!” The man tried on the suit given and it fit perfectly.

    The man, realizing he needed a shirt for the suit, asked for one. The tailor looked at him and said, “Hmm… you are a 35 sleeve and 16 neck.” Again, the man was surprised. “That’s right, how did you know?” The tailor responded again, “Been in the business for over 50 years!” The man tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

    The tailor said, “How about some underwear?” The man was startled but realized the logic. Since he already got everything else, he said yes. The tailor looked at him and said, “Hmm… you are a size 36.”

    The man laughed, catching the tailor. “Ah ha! You’re wrong! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The tailor shook his head. “No, buddy, you can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

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  • Three Mothers Boasting

    Three mothers are boasting about what their babies will be when they grow up.

    The first says, “Mine will be a doctor. Look how closely he examines his fingers!”

    The second says, “Mine will be an engineer. Look how closely he examines his rattle!”

    The third says, “Mine will be President. He’s just shit himself!”

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  • Two Morticians at Lunch

    Two morticians were out having lunch.

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    The first one said, “I had this one girl yesterday whose clitoris was just like a pickle!”

    “Really!? That big?” said the second.

    “No! That salty!”

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  • Volunteering at the Cancer Ward

    Having recently lost my job, I have been volunteering my spare time up at the local child cancer ward and in doing so have become good friends with a young 10-year-old boy called Jimmy. I sit with him and hold his hand as he has his chemotherapy, take him to the movies when he is feeling well enough, and what little spare money I have, I spend on toys for him.

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    Today he asked me, “Will you still come to visit me when I leave the hospital?”

    “Not a chance,” I replied. “I fucking hate cemeteries.”

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