Format: dialogue

Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Harolds First Day in the Carpool

    It was Harold’s first day in the carpool.

    The guys honked the horn in front of his house and he came running out.

    He got about halfway down the walk when he heard a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch.

    He turned around and there she was, scowling at him.

    He ran back to the steps, spread her bathrobe, bent over, kissed her downstairs, ran back down the walk and hopped in the car.

    The guys rode in silence for a few minutes until the driver couldn’t stand it anymore and he asked, “Harold, it’s none of my business, but why’d you kiss her down there?”

    Harold replied, “You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.”

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  • The Sham Rock

    My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring…

    The stone was cut in the shape of a four-leaf clover.

    I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

    One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller’s.

    Unfortunately, they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

    It was a sham rock.

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  • Baggage

    At the airport, a man handed over three suitcases.

    “One to LA, one to Boston, and one to Orlando.”

    The check-in agent said, “Sir, we can’t split up your luggage like that.”

    He said, “Why not? You managed it perfectly on my last flight.”

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  • Military Family Tradition

    On the first day of boot camp, a US Army drill instructor lined up his recruits.

    “I’m curious as to how many of you come from military families. Did anyone in your family serve?” He points at one recruit.

    “Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My father served in Iraq during the War on Terror.”

    “Good,” says the D.I. “What about you?” He points at another recruit.

    “Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My grandfather served in Desert Storm.”

    “Good,” says the D.I. “What about you?” He points at another recruit.

    “Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My great-great grandfather fought at Normandy!”

    “Ah, the finest day in the history of the United States military,” the D.I. says. “1st Infantry? 82nd Airborne?”

    “No sir,” the recruit answers. “The 21st Panzer division.”

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  • The Country Boy’s Three-Leg Riddle

    A cocky lawyer tells a country boy, “If you can’t answer my question, you owe me $5. If I can’t answer yours, I owe you $5,000.”

    The boy asks: “What has three legs going up a hill, but five legs coming down?”

    The lawyer searches the internet for an hour, gives up, and hands the boy $5,000.

    “Alright,” the lawyer snaps, “so what is it?”

    The boy silently hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

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  • Patrick With Them Two Arseholes

    Patrick died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for.

    Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

    Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”

    So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Patrick.”

    The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

    Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”

    The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Patrick.”

    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

    Sean said, “Well, Patrick had two arseholes.”

    “What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.

    “Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Patrick with them two arseholes…’”

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  • Three Horse

    An old Indian was asked the name of his wife,

    He replied, “Three Horse.”

    “That’s an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”

    The Indian replied, “It’s an old Indian name.”

    It means, Nag, Nag, Nag.

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  • Not Her Father

    At a wedding last weekend, I leaned over to the person beside me and whispered, “Wow… the bride isn’t exactly easy on the eyes.”

    They turned to me and said, “Excuse me? That’s my daughter!”

    I quickly replied, “I’m so sorry… I didn’t realize you were her father.”

    “I’m not her father, you idiot,” they snapped. “I’m her mother!”

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  • Everywhere I Touch

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

    “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

    Everywhere she touched made her scream.

    The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

    “Well, no,” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

    “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

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  • The Unfaithful Wife

    A man goes to the therapist and says…

    “Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up a man.

    She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can’t take this anymore!”

    The therapist says:

    “Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly, where’s Larry’s bar?”

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