Dentist: “You need to—”
Me: “I need to floss more.”
Dentist: “No, you need to get out of my house. It’s 2:30 a.m.”
Me…
Dentist…
Me: [muffled behind ski mask] “Tooth hurty a.m.”
Format: dialogue
Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Exactly Where Is Larrys Bar
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
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But I Like How Youre Thinking
Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.
So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”
The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”
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The Doctor Had Both His Hands on My Shoulders
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and explained: “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”
Later that evening, the man asks his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
“Aahhhhh!”
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.
“No… I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”
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I’ll Get Halfway Across and You’ll Turn the Light Off
Two crazy guys are planning to escape the asylum. One night, they climb onto the roof. Across from them is another building.
The first guy says, “I have my flashlight. I’ll turn it on, and you can walk across the beam of light to the other roof!”
The second guy shakes his head and says, “What do you think I am, crazy? I know what you’ll do… I’ll get halfway across, and you’ll turn the light off!”
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The Same Place You Got That Train From
My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.
The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”
I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”
The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”
I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”
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In That Case Ill Take Two
A contractor wanted to give a politician a sports car. The politician objected saying, “My basic sense of ethics would never permit me to accept a gift like that.”
The contractor said, “I quite understand. Suppose we do this: I’ll sell you the car for ten dollars.”
The politician thought for a minute and said, “In that case I’ll take two.”
And that’s how things are in Congress today!
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The Babysitter Has a Sponge Too
A little boy is in the shower with his mom.
“Mom, what’s that hairy thing in between your legs?”
She says, “That? Oh, that’s my sponge.”
Boy goes, “Ohhh okay, makes sense.”
He pauses and smiles, “Yeah, the babysitter has one too.”
Mom freezes. “Oh really?”
Boy: “Yep. I’ve seen her using it to wash Dad’s face.”
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Bald Bitches
Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.
Husband: Okay?
Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.
Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?
Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.
Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.
Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.
Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
