Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A husband cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: “Could we make love, please dear?”
“Not tonight, darling, I’ve got a splitting headache,” she replied.
“Please, I’ll only stick it in for a minute,” pleaded her husband.
His wife retorted: “What do you think I am, a fuckin’ microwave?”
70 pickup lines
1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop ’em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: “Smile if you want to sleep with me.” And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?
22. A woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You: “Do you have the energy?”
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I’d look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a fuck?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?
56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
57. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
58. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: “I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”
59. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?
60. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
61. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?…(Yes)…From the inside?
62. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.
63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?
64. Hi, how are you?
65. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) ‘Cause I could see myself in your pants.
66. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
67. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?
68. I am a magical being, take off your bra.
69. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
70. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
71. Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”
It happened that when Fred and John went to College they got rooms in different levels of the building but right on top of each other. John’s room was above Fred’s room and John was always good with the woman.
Every night since school started Fred would hear up above his room, “Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!”
It went on every night:…”Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zipp! Ahhhaaa!”
Now Fred wasn’t a snoop and normally didn’t interfere on John’s love life or even ask of what went on every night. But one night it was different. Instead of the strange “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!” He heard “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!”.
Fred was confused by this….not to mention scared out of his mind by the scream. So he took a step at getting intimate with his friend John. “Hey John,” he said that morning. “I really hate to pry but every night I hear this ‘Claclopp, Claclopp, Calaclopp, spring, zip, Ahhaaa. But last night I was frightened by a ‘Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!, Calaclopp!!!, Spring, Zippp, YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!’ Do you mind explaining this?”
“Well,” said John. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!! was me running towards the bed. The Spring!! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp! was me zipping down my pants in mid air. And the AAhhhaaaa!! Was me settling my manhood in my girlfriend.”
“So what was last night?” Fred asked.
“Well,” he hesitated. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!! was me running. The Spring! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp was me gracefully zipping my pants down in the air. And the YEEeeOOWWWwwwwweeeeee!!!! was me landing my nuts on the bedpost.”
This guy and this girl are rampantly having sex. During a lull in the passion, the guy asks the girl to turn over.
“Why?” asks the girl.
“Because I want to try something different,” says the guy.
“That’s perverted!” says the girl.
“What did you say?” asks the guy.
“I said that’s perverted.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure I heard properly – what did you say?”
“I said that’s perverted.”
“Shit,” says the guy, “that’s a big word for a five year-old.”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
A policeman was interrogating three guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s true! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
Joey was hanging in a bar, and his friends asked him if he’d scored lately.
“Man, I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever,” Joey told them. “The only problem was, she was a total butterface.”
His friends asked him, “What the hell is a butterface?”
Joey answered, “Everything about her was hot, but her face.”
