A woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.
She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, “Excuse me, lady, do you wanna screw for that hinge?”
She says, “No, but I’ll blow you for that lawn mower.”
Format: dialogue
Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I didn’t think it hurt that much
I said to my wife, “They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience…”
“Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn’t think it hurt that much.” -
Fuck Him, Give Him Five Dollars
A mailman was delivering mail on Christmas Eve when a beautiful middle-aged woman stopped him and said, “Can you come inside the house real quick?”
The mailman was intrigued and followed her inside.
She took him to the bedroom, started taking her clothes off, and they had sex.
After it was over, he got dressed to leave, and she handed him a five-dollar bill.
The mailman, confused, asked, “What was all this for?”
She said, “My husband and I were discussing Christmas gifts, and I asked him if we should give anything to the mailman.”
“He said, ‘Ahh, fuck him, give him five dollars.’”
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Those are just contractions
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.” -
I Washed Them the Day Before
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window blowing kisses at them.
Jerry says, “Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!”
Stan replies, “Just ignore her. Don’t pay her any mind.”
The woman then gestures for Jerry to come up to her apartment.
Jerry says, “Did you see that? She’s calling for me!”
Stan insists, “Man, don’t go up there!”
Jerry asks, “Why not? Why don’t you want me to go see her?”
Stan pleads, “Dude, just listen to me. Don’t go!”
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building.
The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment.
Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.
The woman looks out the window and says, “Oh no, that’s my husband!”
“Crap!” Jerry exclaims.
“Don’t worry,” she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. “I’ll just tell him you’re the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes.”
Because the husband stays home all day, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.
The next day, Jerry goes to Stan’s house and tells him the whole story.
“You won’t believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!”
“I told you not to go,” sighs Stan. “All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before.”
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In Vietnam
Once, the Pentagon realized it had far too many generals and suggested they retire.
It promised that any general who stepped down immediately would receive a pension equal to his salary plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between two points on the general’s body. The generals could choose those points themselves.
The first to agree was an Air Force general. He told the pension officer to measure from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. It came out to six feet. He retired with a check for $720,000.
The second was an Army general. He asked for the distance from the tips of his fingers, with his arms stretched upward, to the tips of his toes. That came out to eight feet. He retired with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a gray-haired Marine, was asked which two points to measure between, he said, “Measure from the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
The pension officer suggested that perhaps the respected Marine general might want to reconsider, mentioning the generous sums the previous generals had received. But the Marine stood his ground.
A medical officer was called in for such a delicate measurement. He approached the general and asked him to take it out. The general did.
The medical officer placed a ruler at the tip and suddenly recoiled.
“My God!” he exclaimed. “Where are the testicles?”
“In Vietnam,” the general replied.
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Pepper
A woman is waiting in line at a grocery store. The woman in front of her keeps sneezing and letting out a loud moan after each one.
Woman #1 asks if she’s okay.
Woman #2 says, “I have this reaction where anytime I sneeze, I have an intense orgasm.”
Woman #1 asks if she takes anything for it.
Woman #2 sneezes again and moans out the word:
“Pepper!”
