Format: dialogue

Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Three Stages of Marital Sex

    A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help.

    While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re okay on the sex thing, right, son?”

    “Yeah, sure, Dad. It’s all cool.”

    The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?”

    “The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!”

    “No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.”

    “Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?”

    The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex.

    Honeymoon sex is what you would expect – you and your wife can’t get enough of each other. You’re constantly going at it.

    But as life gets busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions.

    Then, finally, you reach the stage of hallway sex.”

    “What’s that?” the son asks.

    “Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say, ‘Fuck you.’”

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  • How do you know it was on its way to work?

    I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me, “How do you know it was on its way to work?”

  • A Long Time — We’re Buildin’ a Garage

    A couple of rednecks pull into a lumberyard. One goes in and asks the clerk for some four-by-twos.

    “You mean two-by-fours?” the clerk asks.

    The redneck says, “I’ll go check.”

    He goes back to the car, asks his buddy, and returns a minute later.

    “Yeah, two-by-fours will be fine,” he tells the clerk.

    “All right,” says the clerk. “And how long?”

    “Just a minute,” says the redneck, and heads back out to the car.

    A minute later he comes back and says, “A long time. We’re buildin’ a garage.”

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  • Who Ate the Cleaner?

    Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation.

    “Well,” says the boss, “if I hire you guys, you have to promise not to eat any of our staff.”

    The cannibals promise they won’t eat anyone, and they get hired.

    Everything goes well for a while, until one day the boss calls them into his office.

    “You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”

    The cannibals swear they’re innocent.

    The boss believes them and leaves the office.

    Their leader turns to the others and screams, “You idiots! Who ate the cleaner?”

    One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.

    “You fool!” shouts the leader.

    “For weeks we’ve been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers, and human resources staff — and then you go and eat someone they’ll actually miss!”

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  • Tell That to Mrs. Coolidge

    It’s said that President and Mrs. Coolidge were invited to visit a Department of Agriculture station that was working on ways to improve farming. Two agents guided them separately.

    When Mrs. Coolidge was brought to the chicken yard, she noticed a rooster doing his duty. She asked how many times the rooster could provide service per day and was told dozens of times.

    She replied, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.”

    Later, when the President was informed of that fact, he asked, “Same hen every time?”

    He was told, “No, a different hen every time.”

    He responded, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

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  • No, It Has to Be the Bull

    A politician was touring his rural constituency in his shiny Range Rover, press in tow, visiting farmers, showing his face, and trying to come across as a man of the people.

    He suddenly found the narrow country lane blocked by a bull being led by a small girl with a rope through its nose ring.

    As the girl tugged at the aggravated bull’s rope, the politician got out to see how he could be of assistance.

    With the press looking on, he approached the girl and asked, “Young lady, just what are you doing with such a large, dangerous animal on the public road?”

    “This old bull?” says the girl. “I’m taking him down to the neighbors’ place to service one of their cows.”

    “Shouldn’t your father be doing that?” asks the politician.

    “Oh no…” says the girl. “It has to be the bull.”

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  • A Serious Drinking Opportunity

    An employee says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a serious problem.”

    The boss says, “Remember our motto: around here there are no problems — only opportunities.”

    The employee nods. “Okay. I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

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  • Little Johnny Explains What a Gnome Is

    A teacher asks her class, “Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter ‘A’?”

    Little Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say something like ‘asshole.’

    So she calls on Suzy, who says, “Apple.”

    “Very good!” says the teacher. “Now… who can tell me a word that begins with the letter ‘B’?”

    Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say ‘bastard’ or ‘bitch.’

    So she calls on Stephen instead, and Stephen says, “Balloon.”

    This continues until they get to the letter G.

    Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher says to herself, I can’t think of a swear word that starts with G.

    So she calls on Johnny.

    “Gnome,” says Johnny.

    Very surprised, the teacher says, “That’s excellent, Johnny! It does start with G, which is silent. Johnny, do you know what a gnome is?”

    “Yeah,” says Johnny. “It’s the little shit who lives in my garden and fucks fairies.”

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  • Because He’s My Newt

    A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

    The bartender says, “Interesting pet. What’s his name?”

    “Tiny,” the guy says.

    “Why Tiny?” the bartender asks.

    “Because he’s my newt.”

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  • The Doctor Clears Her Sinuses

    An old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past five minutes sitting here.”

    The doctor gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.

    The next week, the old lady comes back and says, “Doc, I took the pills. The farts are still silent, but now they stink!”

    The doctor says, “Great! We’ve cleared your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing!”

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